welcome;

Tuesday, April 29, 2008/10:12 AM

im on hiatus.

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/10:02 AM

Mariah Carey-- Bye Bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddys, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk thingsS
eparation bringsYou never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wishI
could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we couldS
pend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye

Mamas, daddys, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye, bye.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

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Sunday, April 20, 2008/11:00 PM

my grandfather passed away this morning.

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/5:43 PM

sigh.
im really too gei kiang already. do "journey" for pw.
then go choose to do journey of dying.
wad a shitty emo topic to do!

went to borrow books about the topic to work on my PI for the final submission.
and i can tell you the things written in the books are really kanasai. damn sad lah!

don't believe u read this.(from "The Rights of the Dying" a companion for life's final moments)

A message for the dying:

As you read this you may be beginning your last months, days, or hours here on earth. you have travelled on a long and winding road on this journey that we call life. many philosophies teach that what you feel and experience in the last moments of this life are the seeds of your next one, of your new life.

None of us know what will happen from here, but if you look deep inside, deep in your soul, you will know that birth is not a beginning and death will not be an ending.
if you think back, you'll remember that you never felt as if you didn't exist before you were born into this life. rather, you felt as if you have always existed and always will.
that's why this death will not be an ending. you may not have life as you know it once you die, but you will continue. you will take all of your love and all of your memories with you on your journey. what you have experienced will not be lost, neither will your life be lost. whatever you may feel about your life, whatever has happened, has happened. and that was your life. try to accept that it was your life, just as it was. no better and no worse.

As this life draws to a close, it is time to let go of your anger, as well as your love. you have worked; you have worried; you have driven hard; you have loved and laughed; you have been angry and disappointed. it is now time to rest, time to relax. there is nothing else for you to do. there is no other way for you to be. if you find yourself becoming frightened, rest and relax into your breath. your breath will take where you need to go. know that those around you who may cry and scream are doing so because they do not know how to say good-bye; they are doing the best they can. and know, in your heart, that you will leave part of yourself behind with everything you have done, with everyone you have ever met, with every life that you have touched. you will also take a part of us with you.

If you still feel attached to the right and wrong of your life, know that right and wrong are now over. you experienced life exactly as you were supposed to. you were born whole and innocent, beautiful and worthy, and you will die that way. you have spent time and followed time; now time will be no more. you will go to a place where we already are. you were carried off in the miracle of death. all that we are, all that we have felt for you, all the love that was given to you, will be your cushion on this journey. now you will begin. i wish you love, peace, and a safe passage. it is now time for you to return home.

A message for the living:

I understand how hard it is for you to watch someone you love slipping away. the pain is excruciating, the feeling of decastation unmatched by anything you have ever known. losing a loved one is one of the hardest experiences any of us will have to face, but there are some things that you can do to make it easier on yourself and those around you:

Allow yourself to grieve. you can't ignore it or run away from it: eventually it will catch up with you. grief is a neccessary part of the healing process. it will subside, but you must go through the various stages.

Don't feel guilty because you are continuing to live. you are not responsible for what has happened. accept that some things are out of your hands.

Let the dying know that it's okay to leave-that you'll be all right without them. you'll miss them for the rest of your life, but you would not want them to stay if it continues their suffering.

Dont' feel guilty if you find yourself preparing for your loved one's death. this is a natural occurence-it's not an insult, and it won't hasten the death. but it does help prepare you for the inevitable and is nature's defense against deep pain.

Say what you want to say now, while there's still time. you may still have something to say or something to do for your loved one. "Do it fearlessly," one patient told me. let your loved one die with an open heart-yours.

To the best of your ability, try to accept what is happening and the way it is happening. as difficult as it may be to understand and accept, dying is a part of life.

Take care of yourself and let others support you. seek help from a therapist, a support group, your religion, or whatever elso comforts and strengthend you. try to stick to some kind of regular routine, especially during this very stressful and upsetting period. believe it or not, it will help normalize your life and make you feel better.

Above all, be gentle with yourself, it really will get better with time, although you may not believe it right now. time heals all wounds, and although your loved one will no longer be physically present, you will always retain the love you have shared with that person. those whom we've loved and who have loved us in return will always live on in our hearts and our minds.

I wish you peace in healing.

see? see? emo-momo right? (provided you really finished reading everything)
sigh.

anyway, chatted with xuanhan just now. haha. really quite missed him sia. those times in co and in 4e5. the laughter, the sweat, the hardwork we shared.
and he missed swiss lots too! ;)

alright. it's getting ~~late~~ early aldy.
im off for my beauty sleep now! Zzzz

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/7:09 AM

woke up at 6.40am this morning.

fish!

shouldn't have gei kiang and signed up for the gsc seminar lah. it's weekend you know.

sigh. and what happens later further proves that it is really a bad decision made.

1.suppose to meet 9 girls from our class for breakfast at mac.
end up only 3 of us turned up.

2.two of the girls decided to pang seh us and so didnt turn up.

3.the rest of the ppl supposed to meet us are so freaking late!

4.we gotta walk real fast to go to the school cos we are running late. and so it was machiam a morning big walk in sch uniform.

5.the teacher found out that he took us on a wrong way after we walked for like 30mins! that's it man. we are all really ~~sweating~~perspiring(sweating is for animals) like nobody's business from the walk.

sigh. what a weak way to start the day.

oh yeah. met yb on the train on our way to buona vista in the morning too. haha. so coincidental sia. crapped abit and we alighted together at the same stop. (he's going for a rugby match)
saw a bunch of girls waiting for him and we were like, kpo-ing, asking him to intro the cute girls to us. ahaha. and he is totally paisei-ed by our teasing.
hehe. :D

and saw cx with aherm too, at buona vista mrt.

and yup. that's all for today. im off to mug already. im so gonna make use of this weekend to do alot alot alot of things. best is to finish up all the tutorials to be done next week too. hahaha.
crap. as if i am that capable. :/

random fact #1) i missed yuping alot suddenly. sigh.

jia yous! ppl~

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/7:06 AM

Lets101 - Online Dating

hmmm. came across this quiz when i visit ybjyky's blog.

ahahaha. i got 7 out of 10! not bad not bad. better than yb sia!

and the next one:

this is how much my blog worth:

This Page
For Keywords

real, really, rain

Reward $827

Lets101 Quizzes - Blog Quizzes

haha. only $827! so weak man. but okay lah. taking into consideration it is such a ulu blog. :/

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Saturday, April 19, 2008/6:46 AM

it's friday yet again.
hahas. this week really passed damn fast.

zoom! tada. it's friday again. holy mama.

it's the end of week 5 already. m getting busier and busier.

sigh. starting to get really worried about everything man.
that feeling of anxiety is creeping up to me now. :/

欣婷很忙啊！

next monday: hand in PI for last check. and NAPFA TEST!!!!

tuesday: phy test, 3 chapters. which is really holy shit and GG to me.
lalala~ that's the end of physics!

wednesday: a dunno what shit seminar after school

thursday: DEADline for the final PI, an "Amazing physics trail" in school which is compulsory for all to attend(physics is really irritating me) and which ends quite late i suppose.

friday: im going back to msia with all my family members to visit my ah gong. which is making me really uncomfortable now cos im seriously worried about how the atmosphere would be like there. :'(
i would be there until sunday and i really hope i could make it back to singapore by then. if i get to come back, that means my grandfather is still alright.

following monday: im having maths test(2 chapts) and chem common test(i dunno how many in all). fish. that's the end of me man.

the month of may is even worse, and it is going to kill me at a faster rate.
holy mama.
this time round i really have to say,
may god bless me; guanyinma bo bi.
please. see me through all these.

random fact #1: met up with zjy today after school for dinner. but b4 that went to je library to mug! haha. anyway, i think we wun be meeting up anytime sooner that a few weeks later. sigh. what to do? :/

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Friday, April 18, 2008/8:04 AM

TO MY DEAREST JIEYING:

HOLY MAMA. ure the last person i thought would emo you know?

damn it. what happened? :'(

sigh. i agree. it's really really tough to make friends in the new environment. let alone such really great friends you got to know in secondary school.

but i really hope you would cope well in poly man. and i believe you would. cos of your character and everything. im sure that you would survive well there.
stay alive and kicking k?

must be happy leh. you're really the last person i thought would emo.
you're literally a part-time student, full-time joker!
cheer up! :)

sigh. i missed those times spent with you. damn it man.
and i feel like smacking you in the head you know. what you wrote for me during my birthday is totally tear-inducing okay?

shit!

everytime i pick it up and start reading, my...(you know what happens next, don't you?)

sigh.no matter what happens, hang on okay? don't give up! even when making friends. maybe you don't know this, but u deserve really good friends. :D

CHEER UP! [^_____^]

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Thursday, April 17, 2008/9:09 AM

yesterday is a lousy e-learn day!
argh.

hell lots of quizzes to do lah. but i basically heck them all.

sigh. physics seriously sucks big time.
i really know nuts about dynamics! i dunno how/what to do man. :(

fish.

but thank god. am still coping with other subjects.

actually i think i've made the right choice to stay in pj.
the 1st reason would be its close proximity and then the fact that it's not that stressful here.
ppl may say this is slack but to me, it isn't.(okay.fine.i do think pj is a little tiny bit slack at times) nonetheless, i think what's most important is yourself lah.

it's all about coping, isn't it?

i don't wish to go to a really competitive jc and then start struggling in the very very stressful environment. it wouldn't make me excel. but make me hate studying in a jc curriculum, for god's sake.

so. i would make sure i work hard in pj. i have decided to really work hard man. :D

oh right. fire drill in school today!

holy shit.

it's damn hot and we are under the sun for almost an hour. well done man!
but one good thing about it is that we wasted one hour of gsc lesson.(we were doing comprehension leh!)
hohoho. x)

afternoon was a GP enrichment which is watching a movie I am David.
quite a nice show actually.

so in all. school today has been quite fine. in fact very fine. haha.

random fact #1: i didn't know there was a prob with my blog song until yz n baba said so. i did some amendments to it and pls tell me if the problem persists. thanks!

random fact #2: jk is getting really emo nowadays! don't know what happened to him but he really doesn't look good. how?

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008/11:42 AM

changed my blogskin.

and the new blog song too.

dedicated to all of you out there. pay attention to the lyrics. :)
we can make it through the rain.

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/8:16 AM

lalala~

it's e-learning day tml!
which means no school!hohoho.

but have to access the college's portal and do this do that, bla bla bla.
wadever lah.as long as no need to go school already very shiok!

alright. so school was rather fine today. cos kind of in holiday mood.
though have to do quite alot of assignments lah. but heck lah! x)

hmmm.saw yongbin's entry and was kind of sadded lah. :(
why is everyone not happy?
why??? :(

sigh. yongbin! cheer up.

when you put down your baggage, everyday is a new begining.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008/2:13 PM

JIJI gathering!

met up and ate at sumo-house at clementi.

actually we didn't do much. but that meeting up is already more than enough to make me happy! how i missed my secondary school days.

shit man.

it's like we already left secondary school for about 1/2 a year already. but memories just keep flooding back.

I LOVE YUPING. I LOVE ALI. I LOVE HUIYING. I LOVE TURBO. I LOVE YIZHUANG.I LOVE JIJI.

anyway, jiji have a blog! and i must say it's really nice. haha. cos it's done by me. :D
go visit it if you have the time.
http://jiji-lover.blogspot.com/

if tears could bring me back to the past, i don't mind crying for a 100 years.
-edited from xuanhan

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Friday, April 11, 2008/2:01 PM

gathering at yilin's house! :D

but met up with yuping n turbo b4 that. and we went to take neoprints.

i thought it was really solid lah.
i mean i felt really good about the whole gathering thing.

though we segregated ourself(unknowingly) for the sitting arrangement at the dining table into JCs, NP and SP. i swear that it is really pure coincidental!

i think it's really great to get together again at this time of the year, at this instance.
when all the JC ppl are sick of JC life. argh.
when we all really missed secondary school life so much.

seriously enjoyed the meeting and laughed like shit throughout lah.

the zhong ji mi ma is damn solid too.

JC vs POLY
JIJI vs KUMALEHS

lol!

i can only say secondary school days really rocks.

bon voyage, yilin. till me meet again. ;)

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008/11:36 AM

fish.fish.fish.

like what yz said, PI should go and die. it should just jump down the building.
and maybe i thought, PE should go and die too.

damn it.

i have trouble walking now you know. WALKING!!!!!!!

wad de wad de wad de wad de wad de de de de de de de de de FISH.

my tcher is seriously a siao gin na. no i mean siao char bo.
she made us sprint for dont know how many times in just one hour and without any proper warm up at all for god's sake.

im having such bad muscle aches now that even wearing my skirt this morning is such trauma.(but i wore it anyway) i really couldn't lift up my legs on its own. i have to use my hands to bring it up, then put it down.

shit on that PE please. everyone just shit on it.

random fact #1: i wrote the longest essay in my whole 10 years of education for my gp essay today.
holy shit. i estimated it to be a thousand plus words! it's 9 paragraph in all you know. 1 intro, 1 conclusion and 7 points(paragraphs) for the body. holy shit right.

random fact #2: i almost strangled my mum today. i was searching high and low for today's newspaper but just couldnt find it. i asked my mum alot of times whether she really bought it or not and she said YES. in the end i asked her again and she said. err yah. maybe i forgot to get it.
wah liew.

oh!me n ali met yuping after sch today! she went to get her new specs. haha. i thought the price was really quite reasonable lah. and we choose for a hell long time ok. anyway, was really glad to see her lah. though we are already meeting on friday. ;)))))

im off to edit my PI already!

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Monday, April 7, 2008/4:53 AM

they tagged, they dedicated entries, they sms-ed, they called.

thank you, my dearest friends.

i don't promise to be well and good overnight.

if i do that, im just being a liar.

but you know. because of you guys, who really do care, i would be fine.

im sorry yuping
im sorry junyang
im sorry alicia
im sorry yizhuang
im sorry yiting
im sorry cixian
im sorry yongbin
im sorry to everyone of you out there who cared.

junyang's right. i never talk to anyone about my problem. i keep everything to myself and wait for it to pile up. until it got so piled up in my heart and it finally got of control, i fall down hard. by the time i bring it up somehow, it became too late. i thought i could handle. i really thought i could. but when it finally dawns on me that, these were too much for me to handle, all i could do is to break down.
thank you for talking sense into me. and letting me realise that there are ppl out there who really will feel the pain when they see me in this state. and i know you are one of them.
sorry to worry you.

yuping: thanks for your call. though of the most of the time we were crying and talking nonsense, i really felt better after the talk. i really do miss you. and then i realised. maybe you missed me loads too. and i felt that you cared. from the bottom of your heart. you cared for me and you 心疼 me for what im going through.
when your world come crashing down on you, so long as you know there are ppl who truly cares, that's enough. i have nothing much to ask for. you are giving me the strength to carry on.

ali and yizhuang: i shouldn't have expected you to know everything even though we were closest. it was me who didn't bring it up. it was me who didn't tell you what happened. you are no god. and you have your life to live too. you have your own problems to face too. who am i to expect you to know everything about me when i didn't even know what is happening to me and i didn't talk to you about it. im sorry to have made you feel sad. i know for now you would be facing enormous amount of stress. but i hope that being with me wouldn't put you in that kind of stress for that would hurt our friendship.
you don't have to blame yourself for anything. you are facing stress from your studies and council elections too. i realised. maybe you are no better than me. for the whole matter, i was to be blamed and not anyone of you. i chose to keep quiet over everything until it gets out of control. i know you care. im sorry.

cixian and yongbin: sorry to add salt to your wound at such an instance. everyone of us have our own problems and unhappiness to go through. i know you are coping too, especially for yongbin. but promise you wouldn't give up. when life hits hard on you, all the more you are hanging on. im fortunate enough. im still able to present my thoughts through words. and when it finally comes out some day, things got through somehow. so if you have any unhappiness, voice it out. i knew that wouldn't be a problem for the both of you. thank you for showing that you care, my friends.
cixian, i remembered our promise.
and yongbin, cheer up and don't give up on anything.

yiting: your sms is enough to jolt me into understanding the fact that i shouldn't be expecting too much from anyone. afterall i shouldn't be making demands and expectations from a friend. they don't owe me anything or have to explain much because, ultimately, we demand nothing more from each other other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear.
我很想念和你说我生活的点点滴滴的日子。
我很想念有你在身边的日子。
不管怎样。只要知道你还是你，你还是那个很在乎我的你，这样就够了。
谢谢你一直都在。你也要好好保重。

im seriously feeling much better and composed now.
pain-physical and mental-is inevitable and a fact of life.
im stronger than i think, and im never given anything more than i can handle.

im recovering from my cough and flu now.
i still miss those good old secondary times and friends alot but i know it's okay to miss them at times.
im coping fine with my studies now.(i hope)
i would slowly learn how to manage my friendships and make new ones.
i don't feel that lonely now.
im not consistently working non stop already. i have spent the night before talking on the phone.
my grandfather is kind of in stable condition but still in the hospital now.
i know who to talk to, who to go to, who to find solace.(i hope)
i still don't know how to bring it up, how to say everything, how to open my mouth and speak up. but i know how to write.

for now, the sky is clear.

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Friday, April 4, 2008/4:06 PM

how it feels when your whole world came crashing down on you suddenly?

you don't feel anything.
you just cry. and cry. and cry.

no. maybe you do feel something.
you feel deserted.
you feel that nobody bothers.
you feel that nobody cares.
you feel that nobody is there.
you pity yourself.
you are down and out.

you didn't want to type an emo post on purpose. but you have no choice. this is what you are going through these days.

you are terribly sick for a whole week.
you are missing your secondary sch friends.(so much)
you are occupied with your studies.
you didn't know how to cope with your friendships.
you felt ever so lonely.
you keep working to stop yourself from thinking about any other thing.
you are supposed to be mentally prepare yourself for the demise of your grandfather anytime.
you don't know who to talk to, who to go to, who to find solace.
you don't know how to bring it up, how to say everything, how to open your mouth and speak up.

for once, your best friend doesn't seem to care for you anymore.
you coughed till your diaphragm hurts.
you sneezed till you hoped your nose would just drop off.
your nose bleed slightly(for the first time in your life) out of a sudden but your friend who sat right beside you doesn't know it.
you started crying because you felt so terrible. however, she didn't realised.
you cried harder because you knew she didn't realise anything wrong with you.

for once, you cried like a little child.
you went home,
you opened your drawer,picked up that birthday card your closest friend did for you.
you read her words.
your tears dropped.
you cried at every single thing she wrote.
you couldn't control yourself.
you missed those times spent together.
you missed her presence.
you longed for her presence.
you wished so hard. wished so hard that time would turn back.

for once, the only place you could find solace is your home.
you felt so sick and worn out.
you wanted to be back home badly.
you walked back alone.
you started crying.
your dad is at home.
you wiped your tears before you went in.
you put your head down.
you fought back your tears.
you went to the bathroom.
you thought you were fine after the bath.
you are not.
you buried your face in the towel and you cried so hard.
you went out and go to your bedroom.
you lie on the bed.
you are tired. very tired.
you slept.

why are you in such a sorry state now?
no. you don't know the reason. you can only endure. you can only hope you would survive. you can only hope you would get over everything.

you are struggling with your studies, your health, your friendships, and death.
you are not strong?
or was it too much for you to handle.

no matter what.
you know you are not giving up.
you can count on you for life.

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/8:15 AM

i have alot of things to update. really alot. but couldn't find the time. so sorry.

im coping with lots of things these days.

not just studies but everything in life.

im hanging on.

can you give me the strength to carry on?

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008/8:28 AM

well done baba.

these 4 years, we shared laughter, we shared joy, we shared pain. and now.
you are so kind to share your virus with me too.

thank you. YOU ROCKED! :D

haha. that's it. baba was sick last week and i kena from her now.

but NEVERMIND. I TOOK MY REVENGE.

I SABO-ED HER TO BE THE LEADER FOR A UPCOMING PROJECT. hahaha.

go go go! sai kang warrior~

shiok ah! lol.

alright. so basically im down with a cough now.
and i seriously hate pe.

fish.

the mere mention of pe boils my blood. argh.
well done. there's pe tml too. =X

Oooo. i just realised. this is my 100th entry! haha

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