how it feels when your whole world came crashing down on you suddenly?

you don't feel anything.
you just cry. and cry. and cry.

no. maybe you do feel something.
you feel deserted.
you feel that nobody bothers.
you feel that nobody cares.
you feel that nobody is there.
you pity yourself.
you are down and out.

you didn't want to type an emo post on purpose. but you have no choice. this is what you are going through these days.

you are terribly sick for a whole week.
you are missing your secondary sch friends.(so much)
you are occupied with your studies.
you didn't know how to cope with your friendships.
you felt ever so lonely.
you keep working to stop yourself from thinking about any other thing.
you are supposed to be mentally prepare yourself for the demise of your grandfather anytime.
you don't know who to talk to, who to go to, who to find solace.
you don't know how to bring it up, how to say everything, how to open your mouth and speak up.

for once, your best friend doesn't seem to care for you anymore.
you coughed till your diaphragm hurts.
you sneezed till you hoped your nose would just drop off.
your nose bleed slightly(for the first time in your life) out of a sudden but your friend who sat right beside you doesn't know it.
you started crying because you felt so terrible. however, she didn't realised.
you cried harder because you knew she didn't realise anything wrong with you.

for once, you cried like a little child.
you went home,
you opened your drawer,picked up that birthday card your closest friend did for you.
you read her words.
your tears dropped.
you cried at every single thing she wrote.
you couldn't control yourself.
you missed those times spent together.
you missed her presence.
you longed for her presence.
you wished so hard. wished so hard that time would turn back.

for once, the only place you could find solace is your home.
you felt so sick and worn out.
you wanted to be back home badly.
you walked back alone.
you started crying.
your dad is at home.
you wiped your tears before you went in.
you put your head down.
you fought back your tears.
you went to the bathroom.
you thought you were fine after the bath.
you are not.
you buried your face in the towel and you cried so hard.
you went out and go to your bedroom.
you lie on the bed.
you are tired. very tired.
you slept.


why are you in such a sorry state now?
no. you don't know the reason. you can only endure. you can only hope you would survive. you can only hope you would get over everything.

you are struggling with your studies, your health, your friendships, and death.
you are not strong?
or was it too much for you to handle.

no matter what.
you know you are not giving up.
you can count on you for life.