alrighties. i guess i should stop lamenting over that photoshot thing.
it doesn't really matter that much, does it?
and i have already vented my anger ytd. so that's about it.
shalln't let that spoil my holiday mood for now. it's the hols you know!
cheers!
anyway, just got back from my malaysia camp on wednesday. i must say it's a nice camp! cos it's a super uber leisure camp i tell ya.
lots of photos to upload sial. but i think i would just randomly pick some nice ones to put it up here.
random fact #1: till this very moment, i have not done any single shit of my hol assignments. GG!
random fact #2: till this very moment, i have not finish doing a single birthday card for the june babies. GG!
random fact #3: till this very moment, i have not plan for any of their birthday. GG!
Eco camp 2008:
so this is where we slept.
this is when we have to build our own raft using woods and buckets. its a complete failure lah. the moment our raft go into the water, everything came off. duh. even before we can get onto it! and the water is damn freaking muddy. =/
but it was a damn fun experience!
after the water activities, we went on to catch fishes for our dinner! only a few of us went down to have a hands on experience. lol. i almost killed vincent when i throw the net into the water. luckily he bent down to look at his leg. phew~
okay. the guy i circled is the real fisherman. he is really good sial. catch 6 fishes in 20mins? cool!
lol. one of the teacher insists we pose for him to take picture. duh. saw that fake meteor garden? where the hell do you see stars? haha. fish garden lah!
okay. i must admit, none of the 6 fishes are caught by any one of us. haha. we just act act only lah!
it was a v v v v very delicious dinner! we ate alot of things that we wouldn't get to eat in singapore. yummy~
isnt this nice? JingKai captured this superb photo before the day got dark. =D
and so we barbequed through the night and crapped like stupid shit with those swiss guys. they are all seriously jokers sial! had lots of fun and laughter with them lah.
anyway, the night sky at the kampong is seriously seriously seriously v v v v v very nice.
damn lots of starrrrrrrrrrsssssss!!!!! you really wouldn't get to see that many stars in singapore, i swear. everyone of us macham sua ku lidat lah. keep shouting.
the few of us decided not to sleep throughout the whole night. so we sat around and chit chat. ali and wanxuan cldnt take it and they went off to sleep first, leaving me, jk and one of our camp facilitator whose name is coincidentally zhenhao. so we chatted with him for quite long too.
after which zhenhao went off for his sleep and me n jk joined wenxian's group who decided not to sleep too.
didn't hang out with them for a long time cos i was the only girl present then. and they start talking about well you know. things which i aren't suppose to hear. so i make my way to my tent and tried to catch a wink.
holy mama. the night is cold like crap i tell ya. literally cold until can turn into ice cream sial! so i couldnt sleep at all. and wenxian they all talk damn loud. until i can hear lah. i tossed and turned and well, forget it. i got out of the camp at around 5am and joined them again.
i swear everyone is cold like stupid shit. we were like sitting damn close to that pathetic flame which is going to extinguish very soon.
the guys really damn solid. never sleep at all! but you see their face really can laugh. all cannot tahan already.
anyway, around 6am, we went out and waited for the sun to rise. shall let the pictures do the talking!
we thought these were the only things we can see! cos we have been waiting for a long time... then we walked back and decided to go for a bicycle ride around the kampong before the rest of the people woke up.
and aha! we saw these!
captured this picture where the cloud looks like a saucer right? UFO!!!
i think this picture damn nice sial! what a beautiful reflection...
padi field!
the black duckling is really the only black one amongst the white ones.
well.let me give you an IQ question.
which kinds of mouse have only 2 legs?
think through before looking at the ans!
ready?
answer is
.
.
.
.
.
mickey mouse!
okay. then which duck have 2 legs?
is your answer
.
.
.
.
donald duck?
ahaha. wrong!
all ducks have 2 legs lah! dumbo.
this is a super big spider web on the grass! interesting eh?
we cycled a long way throughout the kampong and finally went to the main entrance of the farm. we took a photo! you may wonder why are we standing so straight.
haha. i also dunno why la. they say zhaohui always stand up straight for photos. so we all copy his style lo!
these 2 guys are our camp facilitators. they are nice fellow lah! only our group bonded with them so they treat us very good. they bring us around the kampong! =D
O.o guess what they are doing??
catching+killing snakes!!!!!!!
awwwwwww.
a group phoo before we left!
all of us really Knock Out on the way back! haha. everyone slept like a log lah! =D
random fact #4: JK is really a good photographer. most of the nice nice photos were taken by him!
random fact #5: i kena mosquito bite like stupid shit!
random fact #6; im still very tired....... Zzzzzzz...
Friday, May 30, 2008/11:45 AM
if i tell you im not angry anymore, rest assured. im lying to you.
i am sad and disappointed!
i really felt like a stupid fool you know.
they didn't call. they didn't even sms. they just write in the email and said,
sinting-sorry that you couldn't be part of them.
bloody hell.
i am so very fed up with mdm chok now. =/
i thought everything is settled. the date was supposed to be on 5june. but out of a sudden, the email came as a rude shock to me.
am i that unimportant? if thats the case, don't include me at the very begining! what? you think it's fun? you give me 10million dollars one day and i happily used the money, treated my friends and one fine day you come back to me and say sorry, we have to take that money back. and like a stupid idiotic fool, i have to go around begging for a cash refund and asking my friends to pay up for that bloody dinner that i treated them.
you know how disappointed it is?
i thought it was a dream come true.
i thought i could show grandpa, yes, im really capable! i can do grandpa proud!
but then i realised i was a stupid fool.
i would never forget how happy i was when i received her email asking me back for a photoshot.
and i would never ever forget how sad and disappointed i was when i received her email saying sorry, you can't be part of them anymore.
mummy insisted i stay for the photoshot cos she understands how much i wanted to be up there, how happy i was when i was told the news.
but i wouldn't. it's the 49th day gonggong passed away. i want to be back. there is no need for me to choose. i want to be back, for grandpa.
i felt so sorry. sorry for myself. sorry for mummy. sorry for ms lim. sorry for grandpa. i know they were all as happy as me when i told them the good news.
im really sorry.
Thursday, May 29, 2008/10:27 PM
I AM DAMN FREAKING EMO AND SAD NOW.
I CAN'T BE PART OF THE BANNER IN SWISS BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE BACK AT MALAYSIA TO PAY RESPECT TO MY GRANDFATHER ON THE DAY WHEN THEY CAN ALL MAKE IT.
I FEEL LIKE CRYING.
SHIT.
Monday, May 26, 2008/4:38 PM
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
/4:14 PM
woke up early in the morning and went to school for pw.
SCREW THAT PW, PPL. im sick of it. :(
it's nothing but pw from 10am to 4pm today.
and something happened in the group today that made me felt uneasy. sigh. one of my group members cried. actually i foresee this coming a few weeks back.
there it goes. it happened today lor.
i dont think i want to tell you what's the whole story about cos it'll probably just bore you to tears. =/
right. so its pw pw pw today. pw grp work. pw lecture. pw tutorial. well-done!
oh right.
im leaving for malaysia for my eco camp tml! it's just a 2 days camp. so
扫兴 sial! 2 days only~ but
好过没有 la. im quite looking forward to it actually. =D
okay. so thats about it. i want my beauty sleep~
goodbye and cya guys soon! =DDDDD
/1:32 PM
dying to go to town for that GSS spree?
right. i went for it today. but sadly, not for myself but for that somebody so 'dua kang'- whom caused me and junyang to walk around the mall umpteen times.
and that dua kang is none other than mr chuakaiyao. -_-!!!
its a torture shopping for presents, i swear. but too bad. such saikang usually falls on suay god like me. and
我早已任命~ anyway, so we spent quite a long time searching for something decent. and this is call
‘皇天不负衰神泣'--originate from professor chua. we bought something at last! =D
but after getting the present, i regretted rushing throught the shopping session. cos we have nothing to do in mind at all.
we spent a long long long time at the food loft, because of that super-uber painful ulcer in my mouth which obstructs my eating process. and i seriously couldnt stand the pain(i have to sit on it). =S and pls stop asking me to rub salt onto it so that it heals overnight cos i swear i will ji tao faint.
and also, maybe we were a little too bored that we almost quarreled over some extremely silly stuff. which i dont want to mention cos it would definitely spoit my mature
的形象. =/
okay. so after that torturing lunch, it is just time spent aimlessly floating around. until we finally decided go to the esplanade garden or whatever you call it.(the place snap six took photos after grad tea).
talk talk, chit-chat, laugh laugh.
tell you this you also woundn't believe. we saw fireworks!
holy mama. damn b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l can? =DDD
then was home sweet home.
by the time i reached home, the channel 8 charity show(donation for sichuan thingy) has almost ended. good thing i didn't get to catch it actually, if not im sure i would be crying like siao gin na.
Sunday, May 25, 2008/2:20 PM
went out for pw in the afternoon. went on to do all the way until 5pm or so.
and met ms lim for dinner later! had a super-uber long chatting session with her that evening. m so so happy! long time since i really get to see her and talk to her.
for the first time, im so glad the hols are here. even though i knew it would be a hectic hols filled with activities, i don't mind at all. as long as the hols are right here! as long as i dont have to return to school everyday. as long as i can stop doing my tutorials and not feel bad about it. as long as i can watch tv the whole day and tell myself, its okay cos its the hols. as long as i have time for junyang. as long as i have time for my sec school friends. as long as i have the time to miss them. as long as i have the time to reminisce the past.
as long as i have time for myself once again.
i don't know. but it seems that im too busy and caught up with so many other things. so much so that i have no time for myself. and i didnt know it feels terrible until when i finally sat down and start
thinking through what i have been doing all these while.
life is seriously hectic in JC(i believe it is so for the poly-ians too) and well, to an extent, meaningless.
like what ms lim says, either you are those who enjoyed and loved your JC life to bits, if not, you will be those who 恨不得想马上 get away and be done with JC life.
im not that sure as to which category i belongs to now. cos i somehow liked my classmates. i think they are fun ppl in some way or another. but there are too much things i dont like of a JC, which i dont wish to probe further for it would just make me feel sad and you know, emo.
and so. no matter what, im just too glad that the hols that i have been waiting for is here. i know you guys feel the same as me too.
so cheers, ppl! =DDDDDDDDDD
Saturday, May 24, 2008/12:18 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUANHAN!oh wells. screw that GP paper please. don't intend to talk about it anyway. just pray hard i wouldn't fail? =/then was sirius.
oh no.
it was a complete waste of time. sigh~
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Friday, May 23, 2008/2:59 PM
right.
it's tough keeping the blog alive with such hectic schedules. :(
and i have just realised it's been a long time since i really sat down n blog.
i will try my best to recall what happened these few days.
i remembered.....
15may, thursday.sinting,yuping,huiying,ali,yizhuang,kaiyao,yongbin,cixian,xiaohan,warren
went back to swiss!
it seriously feels super-uber nice to be back at swiss.
as we(sinting,yizhuang,ali and kaiyao) walked on that path of glory(how weiming described the route from the bus stop to the maingate of swiss), my
鸡皮疙瘩都站起来了！=/
but sadly, we were kept outside the school for about like half an hour? the security guard
打死不要让我们进去sial! end up we have to
报上mr ravi
的大名,他才让我们进去lor!
sigh. talking about mr ravi, i think he has left swiss already. :(
damn sad!now go back swiss can't see him le. but actually leaving swiss is good for him? THIS YEAR'S SEC4 BATCH SUCK THE TEACHER'S BLOOD LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS!!!!
they produce really holy mid year results.
8/100 for a-maths paper? i feel so sad. our beloved teachers literally slogged their guts out for them but what do they get in return? CRAP.
seriously. swiss teachers now
伤亡惨重! damn poor thing lah.
the only 4e5 teachers left behind in swiss now are mr ngoh, mdm tang, ms annie tan, ms toh, mrs yu(hopefully she doesnt leave with mrs koh) sigh. this year teachers' day can
省一大笔钱already.
anyways, i must say we have alot of fun and laughter back at swiss.
the horfun, the canteen auntie, the teachers, and our HTHT(heart to heart talk).
everything feels so
熟悉yet so
陌生.
i really missed those good old days!
afterwhich was second round of HTHT with huiying and yuping! glad that they are getting on fine in life. =D
17-19may.long weekend! other than that, i couldn't remember much.O.o saturday met junyang for dinner. and i think we chatted quite alot. about studies, the A's and everything.
vesak day: this year was special. the first time so many of us went to offer our prayers. i thought we couldn't do that this year cos grandpa just passed away.
anyway, i didn't know for the past 16 years, me and yuping went to the same place during vesak day! this is fate. =D
20may, tuesday.first day of school after "hols". talked about the sichuan earthquake and was god damn sad over it. then suddenly got the idea of doing a donation drive. so after lessons, hanged around in school tried drafting out the proposal. oh well. our GP sucks big time. so tough to give birth to a decent proposal that's supposed to be handed over to the principal!
after some serious hard labour trying to push out our proposal, we decided to charge straight into the principal's office instead.
we were sent to talk to a teacher and after much discussion, the project is scheduled to be held on thursday!
this "
天大的好消息" really made me feel so good. i couldnt contain my excitement and texted junyang and yiting. they shared my part of joy too! which literally caused my joy to triple! ahaha. =DDDDD
21may, wednesday.supposed to be college's sports day. but i didnt attend it. together with some friends, we were in the concourse doing up the boards and banners for the donation drive tomorrow.it is really tiring cutting,glueing,pasting,pinning and drawing. but we know it was for a good cause. so i didn't grumbled. none of us grumbled. :)
our gsc teacher even treated me and ali to a drink!
after everything, it was finally home sweet home. im seriously glad that i have done such a thing. the very first donation drive in my whole life. the most sensible thing i have done in my life! =D
o.o its the half year anniversary of us! holy mama. time passed really fast! perhaps saying time passes like a blink of eye is a little too kua zhang. maybe, in 2 blinks? ahaha. =S
22may, thursday.an extremely important and meaningful day for me.
lots of ups and downs throughout the day actually.
saw how students donated hundred over bucks! which really warms my heart. so there are really people who cares,really. =D
went home after lessons and waited patiently for the good news from the teacher in charge. waited for a long time leh! and all the way until late in the evening then i received an sms from him. its $6000!
im glad, really glad. =D
/1:29 PM
im feeling proud of myself now.
infact very very proud. =D
together with some friends in the class, we initiated a donation drive for the earthquake victims!
it was approved on tuesday evening by the principal. and we started planning and preparing for it on tues and wed.
tada! donation drive today and it was a success! (^____^)
we manage to collect $6000.
the amount donated might not be a very hefty amount.
it might not be able to do much for the victims.
but it's just our 小小心意.
really have to thank all those efficient bunch of classmates who planned and helped out without any complains. ali, jingjie, yangfan, jingling, huiteng, alicia er.
we are really a bunch of super solid and efficient workers.
tuesday propose, wednesday prepare, thursday conduct.
thank you! my fellow comrades~
and of course must thank ppl like yz, ky, izni, all the relief teachers and many more others lah. (as if they know im thanking them)
我只想说我真得很开心。it's not for cip.
it's not for testimonial.
it's not for any credits.
it's not for appreciation.
it's not for appraisal.
it's for the less fortunate.
it's just a tiny weeny bit we can do for them.
and so.
i have done a good deed.
i have done something i never thought i would do in my life.
im proud of myself like i have never felt. =D
Tuesday, May 20, 2008/9:20 AM
抢救人员在倒塌建筑物发现一名女子，双手扶地支撑身体，救援人员确认她已经死亡，准备转移到下一个建筑物时，救援队长发现，她生下有一张红色带黄花的被子，抱着一名3个月大的男婴。因为母亲的身体保护，孩子没有受伤，还安祥睡着，随行医生揭开被子替男婴检查，发现有一部手机塞在里面，医生下意识看了手机屏幕。见到母亲留给孩子的简讯：“亲爱的宝贝，如果你能活，一定要记住我爱你。”
一个已经死去的妈妈抱着一个女婴，卷缩在废墟中，女婴靠着母亲的乳汁活了下来。这位年轻妈妈双手抱着一个三四个月大的婴儿，她低着头，上衣向上掀起，已经失去了呼吸，但怀里的女婴依然惬意地喊着母亲的乳头。
医生感动地哭着说：“我们小心地将女婴抱起，离开母亲的乳头时，她立刻哭闹了起来。看到女婴的反应，在场者无不掩面而泣。”
“我无法想象，一个死去的妈妈还在为自己的孩子喂奶，从母亲抱着孩子的姿势可以看出，她是很刻意地在保护自己的孩子，或许就是在临死前，把她的乳头放进女儿的嘴里。”
i think i don't have to say much, do i?
such touching stories and scenes are continuosly playing out in china sichuan province.
stories after stories from survivors ring in my mind, yet nothing i could do but to cry with them.
like yizhuang, i spent my time watching the tv, staying tune to the news about the disaster in china.
but unlike her, i switched to channel 50 everytime i turn on the tv. nothing else but channel 50.
凤凰台 shows nothing but the lastest news, latest updates of the quake aftermath in china.
then like her, i would start crying infront of the tv.
i saw how distraughted parents cry infront of their child's already decomposed body.
i saw how helpless children stare blankly in space, uncertain of their future, waiting endlessly for their parents to reach them.
i saw victims of the quake without arms, without legs.
i saw doctors, nurses crying, breaking down during interviews.
也许活着的人，比死去的人还痛苦。i saw nothing but devastations.
my heart really really went out to them.
i thought of how gonggong left us too. but it's different. gonggong passed away peacefully. he didn't suffer that much. and we are given time to prepare for his demise.
for the quake victims, death was sudden, cruel and harsh.
such sudden deaths are inevitably the hardest for families to accept.
在这样的大自然灾害面前，人类，显得特别特别渺小，脆弱，不堪一击。i felt so helpless. yet there is nothing i could do at all.
other than pray.
pray for the dead, pray for the living.
today marks the 7th day after the quake.
china and hongkong mourn for 3 mins at 2:28pm, exactly 7 days after the deadly quake hits sichuan.
i tuned in to channel 50. i rose to my feet and mourned together with every chinese in the world. i couldn't help but start weeping.
i saw people, traffic and rescue work all around china coming to a halt. hundreds and thousands of people lowered their head and mourn in silence. then i see people wiping off their tears.
they lost their posessions.
they lost their valuables.
they lost their homes.
they lost their hometown.
they lost their family and kins.
they lost hopes.
they lost the strengh to move on.
they lost everything.
as rescue efforts proceed on to the 7th days, hopes of seeing their loved ones alive are dashed.
but i wished. somehow, there is miracle.
it's time we really think about how fortunate we are here. with everything with us. our family, our friends, our valuable possessions, our homes.....
there are so many unfortunate fellow comrades out there who don't deserve such sufferings, yet going through the hardest obstacles in life now.
life is hitting extremely hard on them.
people, we are really really extremly fortunate. nothing can be worse than losing everything in life.
***
did you guys realise what i realised? suddenly it seems that nobody is caring for the cyclone victims in myanmar.
有时觉得，其实缅甸的灾民比中国的灾民还要惨。遇上了不管人民安危的政府，灾民只好默默承受灾难后带来的苦难。没有报道，没有实际照片，不代表缅甸的灾民很好。其实那更显得他们比中国更需要帮助。without international aid like china, people in myanmar are suffering in silence.
sometimes i really wish something bad would happen to the government in myanmar and real compassionate leaders would take over, ending the sufferings of the burmese.
sigh. maybe Mother Earth is really taking her revenge on us, with 2 major disasters hitting asia at almost the same time.
Depressing indeed.
my heartfelt condolences to the living.and sincere blessings for the dead.
.......................................................................................................................................................................................
Wednesday, May 14, 2008/7:56 AM
something freaking funny happened today during pe lessons.
pranesh(a classmate) FARTED.
holy mama.
it was like "brack!"
damn loud. damn freaking loud can!!!!!!
and the whole class was so shocked and the next moment everyone laughed like shit.
LOL!!!!! its really damn hao xiao. i laugh until i teared sia.
and moments after he went "brack!", (my friend said he farted 2 times. so it was "brack!brack~") ppl around him siam until damn far. wah lao. i really cannot tahan! laugh until my tcher scold me sia.
random fact#1: im still laughing my heads off now while typing this post.
random fact #2: chem spa tmr! and my group's gpp is kena rejected. and the deadline is like thursday. GG.
hectic days and week ahead! ):
Tuesday, May 13, 2008/7:44 AM
weekends spent at the library proved to be fulfilling and useful. =D
oh well.
im looking at my schedule for may and june now.
im so very freaked out by how packed it is.
and and and. why the heck must kaiyao,jieying,ali,huiying and cheryl's birthday be in the same holy month?
in case you guys don't know, we have THAT MANY people borned during june. =/
it's gonna be a real big burnt in the pocket! and right. leave me out for the planning of the celebration can? i will strangle the 5 of them alive~, i swear.
Monday, May 12, 2008/11:19 AM
Happy Mothers' Day =D
got these flowers for mummy!
though she insisted that she doesnt want any flowers, but i know. she felt happy when she received them.
hmm. maybe flowers are really good tools to express/show your love. (:
every woman likes flowers. (trust me for that)
PS: 收花是女人的专利！=D
Sunday, May 11, 2008/1:43 AM
random fact #1: saw mr ravi at the market today!
this is the first time i meet him in the market ever since i know him man.
and this is the first time i see mr ravi not in his usual long sleeves and long pants but in singlet!
Ooolala~
random fact #2: yongbin has a really chio cousin!
random fact #3: i promised to be very hardworking today. =D
Saturday, May 10, 2008/11:05 AM
met junyang after pw lecture! [^____^]
saw my mum while making our way back. which well, you know, scare the living daylights out of him! ahaha.
/5:26 AM
TGIF!! (thank god it's friday)
im so so so tired today. shag~
anyway it's a lousy week in school. :/
and yeah. im going back to school in an hours time for the PW lecture. sigh. im really tired.
baba said something today which really made me felt.
oh well. sad.
she wanted to pon the pw lecture later. and being the pw rep, im supposed to take the attendance. i told her i would delibrately mark her as absent later. and i was seriously joking. why would i sabo her?
and then she said something like, "哇。你 pangsei 我一个礼拜我都没有讲什么 lor."
baba, 如果我有选择，我宁愿永远都不必停学一个星期。you know what i mean, don't you?
i understand. you're didn't mean anything bad too. you didn't have any ill intentions. but.
that comment from you just went in straight into where it hurts the most.
im not angry. im just sad. am just reminded of everything.
grandma called home yesterday. talked abit and aunt called soon after that. she tried to comfort me and reminded me to take care of daddy. to keep a look out for one and other. cos all of us are going through the same thing. all of us are trying to get over the lost. all of us are feeling sad and painful. and i cried after putting down the phone.
i know it's okay to cry. it's just a sign that i missed gonggong. but it doesn't mean i couldn't get over forever.
go easy on myself for now. i know that. :)
oh well. shall stop all this emo-momo stuffs.
im fine. :D and i think i got to go off now for that bloody PW lecture. ahaha.
random fact#1: i got back my chem test result and it was a well, holy 11.5/30
random fact#2: i got back my GP essay too and i got a 27/50. quite satisfied with it actually. it's a pass okay.
Friday, May 9, 2008/1:53 PM
oh well. im not very interested over the sharing now. sigh.
it's crap i tell ya.
you wouldn't believe how irritated i was after receiving a call from that mr dunno-who guy.
he couldn't even get his facts right can.
first was to ask what JC im in now.
then was junda's.
then he asked whether im a J2 student now. *i was like. errr. excuse me? why the hell would the school want a J2 to go and speak to the graduating classes?*
and then he asked me to give him a friend's name who well, scored relatively good in the o lvls and can face the crowd.
hello? he asked me to tell him a name and he would invite that person over.
oh crap. this is really getting ridiculously crappy.
feel like backing out of the whole thing. it's dumb can. and suddenly i don't feel honoured in any way now. :/
Wednesday, May 7, 2008/11:10 AM
today is a lousy day in school!
had an unproductive 1 and a 1/2 hour break in the morning. didn't do much revisions or assignments. sigh.
then phy tutorials for 1 and 1/2 hour! SCREW THAT PHYSICS PLEASE. i don't understand a single shit about that bloody thermal physics. it's really GG to my physics already. :(
then chem lecture!
INTRODUCTION TO ORGANIC CHEMISTRY.
fish.
just that pathetic intro is enough to scare the living daylights out of everyone. argh!
then GP tutortial which was a holy 1 and 1/2 hour essay writing.
oh man. shag like shit!
m totally freaked out by today's lessons.
last lesson was PE which wasn't good too. i screwed my bloody standing board jump! if not i can really just get away with my napfa once and for all, clinching a silver award. sigh~
i can imagine how hazel liew is going to tekan us like shit lah.
random fact #1: ytd a mr dunno-who-from-swisscot called me to tell me that the school wants me to go back on the 4/5 june to having a sharing session with the graduating classes! aha! after hanging up the phone, i was like, jumping like siao gin na, shouting to my mummy about it!
then me, yz n baba were like discussing about whether i would be up as the poster girl.(which i hoped so) and i seriously must look good if i got the chance to be up there cos it would be for one whole year. pray hard that they don't take a photo of me with half of my eyes closed. or in between my teeth got scraps of chili. or when i was having a bad hair day. or when i didn't sleep well with swollen necks and the list continues. ahaha. *thinks too much*
random fact #2: daddy is extremely affected by grandpa's death. which really worries me. he mentioned to mummy that he felt life was meaningless after losing his dad.
he couldn't get into sleep nowadays. he went to the doctors and requested for sleeping pills. :(
what to do? im completely at a loss now. i didn't know daddy would be so affected. i thought he was so strong. i thought he was as strong as how he always portrays himself infront of others. now i realised, the stronger you looked from the outside, the weaker you are on the inside. i really don't know what to do now. im not on really good talking terms with daddy. i don't know how to approach daddy regarding this issue and give him the support he needs. i don't know how to show it. how?
Sunday, May 4, 2008/12:46 PM
maybe it's time i pick myself up.
i didn't know what happened to me these 13days.
i don't want to look at the entries the rest of the people posted during the period i wasnt around. i just kept myself enclosed in the week i was in malaysia, mourning for the death of ah gong.
i don't walk out of the many scenes i was in then.
i don't want to be involved in anything anymore.
i don't want to know what happened to others.
i don't want to talk and share anything about my life to anyone.
i didn't talk to anyone.
i kept every bit of my feelings to myself. everybit of my experience to myself.
because of that, i thought it was the end of the world.
i never knew i could hurt like this.
how am i supposed to accept the fact that gonggong is gone. gone forever. and would never be back.
到了殡仪馆第一个看到的就是公公的棺材。
我们一步一步走进去，我们开始哭。
我们走到棺材面前，看进去那个小窗口。看见了公公的遗容。
很慈祥。很安详。
gonggong passed away peacefully.
我没有忍住泪水。就让它不停的流下。
这样的痛，你可以明白吗，你可以体会到吗。
for once, death slapped hard onto my face.
死亡实实在在的摆在我的面前。i remembered how gonggong always buy those mamashop chocolate for me when i was young.
i remembered getting a motorbike ride from gonggong after school in the past.
i remembered how gonggong giggled at the comedy he is watching.
i remembered him sitting near the door, browsing the newspaper.
i remembered him sitting on the sofa, watching the tv.
i remembered how he called me 婷婷 affectionally...
they say it's a blessing gonggong left us this way, at this point in time.
he ended his suffereings and passed away peacefully in his coma.
但我没有办法不责怪自己。为什么没有在4月份时和爸妈一起进去malaysia 看他。为什么没有去见公公最后一面。
为什么。为什么要觉得功课比什么都重要。
为什么。为什么要以为公公有很多的时间可以等我以后再回去。
为什么。为什么要以为公公有能力等我。
为什么。为什么要使自己后悔。
为什么。为什么要使自己遗憾一辈子。during the 2nd and 3rd day there, visitors came and we knelt down next to the casket.
gonggong's young god-daughter came and she burst out in tears upon seeing gonggong's photo. all of us who were kneeling down couldn't control and started weeping too.
看着那小女孩就想起公公。
公公一定是常常和她一起玩。一定很疼她。小女孩一定也很爱公公吧。
才发现，我和公公的回忆，原来只有仅仅那一点。
出殡那一天，他们开棺了。
看着公公的躯体，公公好廋。真的好廋。
他们把一件一件衣物，遗物，放进棺材里。
然后关墓。
那是我最后一次看到公公的样子。最后一次。
现在可以看到的，只剩下那仅仅的照片。
我们跟在灵车后面，走了一小段路。
这，就是送公公走最后一程。
每次一想起那时的情景，就会情不自禁痛哭一场。
公，你慢走。
we all went back to gonggong's and popo's house. the place filled with gonggong's footprints. the place filled with all the memories.
i saw his words.
i saw his letter.
i saw his bed.
i saw his clothes.
i saw his photo.
i saw his medicine.
i saw his tablet with joss sticks.
i know. things wouldn't be the same anymore. a part of me is lost forever the moment grandpa passed away.
but how long more must i cry?
how long more must i feel remorseful and guilty that i didn't went to malaysia to see him the final time?
how long more must i weep everyday the moment i reach home?
how long more must i look at the same old place grandpa always sits and start crying?
how long more must i recall the scene when all of us sent grandpa off for his final journey during the funeral?
how long more must i look at his pen and missed his presence like i never did?
i know i could never turn back time. never.
but teach me. how do i not feel sad.
when i got back from malaysia, things turned for the worse.
i cried more than i did in malaysia.
the moment i reach home i started weeping like a child.
i saw my friends all being so happy and i felt disgusted.
and then i realised. im so silly. i thought the whole world needs to be sad with me. i thought they must be as sad as i am. they shouldnt be happily living their life while here i am struggling in my own world of darkness. but im wrong. im really too silly and selfish.
i should have been happy with them. rather than requesting them to feel the pain im going through.
it's been the 13th day since gonggong left us forever.
i still missed him.
i still feel sad.
i still feel guilty.
i still cry.
but because of my friends, because of junyang, i feel the need to stand up again.
by begining to blog again, it's already a good start for me.
by having the courage to type out this entry, telling others what i have gone through, is already a big jump i have taken.
give me a little bit more time, wouldn't you?
thank you my friends, for showing me that you cared. and forgive me for being so selfish.
thank you yiting, for understanding what im going through, for being the first person i shared my feelings with.
thank you, junyang. for giving me the greatest amount of support all these while. despite me not telling you anythng. you didn't mind that. you just stood by me and ensured im fine. thank god i've got you with me.
