maybe it's time i pick myself up.

i didn't know what happened to me these 13days.
i don't want to look at the entries the rest of the people posted during the period i wasnt around. i just kept myself enclosed in the week i was in malaysia, mourning for the death of ah gong.
i don't walk out of the many scenes i was in then.
i don't want to be involved in anything anymore.
i don't want to know what happened to others.
i don't want to talk and share anything about my life to anyone.

i didn't talk to anyone.
i kept every bit of my feelings to myself. everybit of my experience to myself.
because of that, i thought it was the end of the world.

i never knew i could hurt like this.

how am i supposed to accept the fact that gonggong is gone. gone forever. and would never be back.

到了殡仪馆第一个看到的就是公公的棺材。
我们一步一步走进去，我们开始哭。
我们走到棺材面前，看进去那个小窗口。看见了公公的遗容。

很慈祥。很安详。
gonggong passed away peacefully.

我没有忍住泪水。就让它不停的流下。
这样的痛，你可以明白吗，你可以体会到吗。

for once, death slapped hard onto my face.
死亡实实在在的摆在我的面前。

i remembered how gonggong always buy those mamashop chocolate for me when i was young.
i remembered getting a motorbike ride from gonggong after school in the past.
i remembered how gonggong giggled at the comedy he is watching.
i remembered him sitting near the door, browsing the newspaper.
i remembered him sitting on the sofa, watching the tv.
i remembered how he called me 婷婷 affectionally...

they say it's a blessing gonggong left us this way, at this point in time.
he ended his suffereings and passed away peacefully in his coma.

但我没有办法不责怪自己。为什么没有在4月份时和爸妈一起进去malaysia 看他。为什么没有去见公公最后一面。

为什么。为什么要觉得功课比什么都重要。
为什么。为什么要以为公公有很多的时间可以等我以后再回去。
为什么。为什么要以为公公有能力等我。
为什么。为什么要使自己后悔。
为什么。为什么要使自己遗憾一辈子。

during the 2nd and 3rd day there, visitors came and we knelt down next to the casket.
gonggong's young god-daughter came and she burst out in tears upon seeing gonggong's photo. all of us who were kneeling down couldn't control and started weeping too.

看着那小女孩就想起公公。
公公一定是常常和她一起玩。一定很疼她。小女孩一定也很爱公公吧。

才发现，我和公公的回忆，原来只有仅仅那一点。

出殡那一天，他们开棺了。
看着公公的躯体，公公好廋。真的好廋。
他们把一件一件衣物，遗物，放进棺材里。

然后关墓。
那是我最后一次看到公公的样子。最后一次。
现在可以看到的，只剩下那仅仅的照片。

我们跟在灵车后面，走了一小段路。
这，就是送公公走最后一程。

每次一想起那时的情景，就会情不自禁痛哭一场。
公，你慢走。

we all went back to gonggong's and popo's house. the place filled with gonggong's footprints. the place filled with all the memories.
i saw his words.
i saw his letter.