Sunday, January 31, 2010/2:56 PM
收到yt寄给我的生日卡片了。不懂为什么，看了卡片后会有这样的感觉。就是今年的生日没有收到很多很多的生日礼物。但今年的生日却是很充实，很踏踏实实的。没错，很满足。可能因为没有很多很多的期待，所以今年的生日很愉快。今年的生日是和朋友过的。这天的我没有回家。晚上到huiying的家过夜了。jiji stayover!很万分的感谢。在hy家吃火锅，唱歌，跳舞。很快乐，很享受。有她们陪我度过这样的夜晚，我很满足。。。
每一次yt对我说的话都会让我思考很多。真的很多。会开始反省。这一次也不例外。看了她写给我的卡片，真的有认真的思考一番。为了一个人这样，还是已经变心了的，值得吗？是啊。我开始反问自己。值得吗？算是一言惊醒梦中人之类的吧？我不懂。只是觉得她好像说对了些什么。说对了我内心可能一直在挣扎的东西，或是心理不敢面对的不快乐。不管怎样。我真的踏出了第一步。从1月29日2010年开始，我已经在试着放开。相信，难过会有限期吧？

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Saturday, January 30, 2010/10:32 AM
woke up and got a rude shock when i saw my messages. jieying texted to tell me she's very sad!and she sounded really so so so sad. got a shock and called her. she asked me to meet her below her house so that she can talk to me and share with me her troubles. to think i fall for it! there were a few moments when i thought it could well be a birthday prank. but i thought she really sounded so sad! and hence i believed! rushed to her block and waited for her. then she appeared with a birthday cake. :) a very lovely surprise. really. very touched by her actions. and she went quite alot to make the surprise work out! really really touched. then she passed me a birthday card. :) really really very touched! so walked to swiss together with her. god. when was the last time we get to walk over to school together? glad to have met such an awesome friend. :)

received wishes from many today.
ainah.meixin.junyang.jingjie.huiteng.jaykay.xuanhan.kaiyao.aunt.zhiler.dawn.benghow.cia.
minjun.jenny.wenxian.asha.zihao.yushan.yiting.jiamin.yizhuang.cixian.ah kiao.germaine.danny.
ms ho,mdm tang, mdm xu, ms toh, ms lim,my 1E2 students.

yilin and yongbin came to school today too.and surprised me with a piece of cake. sincerely from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much,my dear frens. felt so fortunate. to have these friends with me through the years. they made up so much of my precious memories for the past few years. if without them, my life wouldn't have been that interesting and fulfilling. i wouldn't have realised how precious friends can be and how they are so important in my life.
it was an awesome birthday for me today.though nothing exceptionally happened. didn't have a banged celebration. it was just a simple day; simple experience. but it will be a memorable one.
happy birthday. :)

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/9:42 AM
还是很难过。原来还是很难过。吃着他送的巧克力还是会哭泣。原来。

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/9:13 AM
早上看到他发的简讯。原来。原来知道对方放下了，是这样的感觉，是这样的心情。不懂为什么，简讯给我的感觉就是一个普通不过的朋友给的祝福。感觉不到我们曾经在一起，感觉不到他还留恋着我们的什么。今天他回来swiss。去他的bb.也顺便把送我的礼物带来了。他送我礼物。出乎意料的。送我一盒心型的巧克力。有意思吗？有含意吗？我不懂。真得不懂。以前的我应该会开始胡思乱想，甚至开始哭泣吧。但现在，此时此刻的我，是不希望有什么意思的。因为今天的我，真的要踏上放开，的旅程。今天早上一起身，我就告诉自己，19岁的我，要过得很好。要过得更好。更好更好。要开始忘记他。要开始放下很多事情。要开始好好过自己的人生。所以，我希望我真的可以。junyang, 如果真的有含意的话，可不可以快点说明白？如果没有的话，真得很谢谢你的祝福，我会很好。

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enjoyed;

Friday, January 29, 2010/6:35 AM
haha. today's an interesting day in school! :)

maths PD session was durian sponsored by mr ngoh! omg. so so so interesting and solid! fancy the whole maths department eating durian in school canteen!lol! and mr ngoh's really great at opening durian. haha. felt so different leh. to be part of them and see the teachers in another light. :)

and i did something so mean to my students. i made them copy their contents page... damn bad. but no choice.cos had a hard time making learn.so i guess it has to be through the hard way. :/ hopefully they wouldn't repeat this again!

and yes, i contributed to the maths department by editing and coming up on a new maths games that can be played in class! so proud of myself. so im actually leaving a legacy behind. hah! so yeah.today was an interesting day in school!

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i need to;

Tuesday, January 26, 2010/12:38 AM
ever since i started to teach. i really looked forward to weekends. these are like the only time i have for myself. for me to do the whatever things i like. that i feel so relaxed and carefree.working=tired.i realised. but im still glad im no longer an A level student.cos i couldn't imagine going through JC another 2 years once again.days spent in swiss are making me so nostalgic.every little thing reminds me of something a few years back. could be the same thing we did as a student.could be just a trigger of memory. every little thing.i know this is really an awesome job.pay aside,the experience that i get aren't what everyone else can get.the familiar environment im in aren't what everyone else could imagine.the love,care and concern showered on me aren't what everyone else can experience. 但为什么还是不开心？真得很不开心。我不想再逞强了。是。不开心是因为他。真的是因为他。可能还有别的，但他绝对是a major contibuting factor.烦。真得很烦很烦。要每天这样到什么时候？我有我的人生要过的。我真的有。可不可以放过我？真得很痛。很痛心，很痛苦。我真得很想很想放下这个人。忘记这个人。好好过我的人生。好好过我的每一天。可是我到底该怎么做。怎么做才可以放下这一切的一切。从来没有那么想放下过，从来没有。可是现在，这一秒，这一刻的我，真的想放开。踏踏实实的move on from here.i can't bear with it anymore.i can't stand any longer.i realised i need to move on. i really have to.

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am just too afraid;

Saturday, January 23, 2010/12:01 PM
he went back to swiss today. i knew it. but guess what. i decided to leave and not see him. i am afraid. am just too afraid of seeing him once again.there was two chances to meet him. before i left school with the rest of the maths department for a maths course and after the course when i hitched a ride back to swiss to leave my laptop. but in both instances, i gave up that chance. that chance to see him.that chance to meet him. that chance to talk to him. that tells all, right? that im too afraid to do anything and everything that reminds him. that reminds me of us. i felt so weak. and felt so helpless. that there is exactly nothing i could do other than weeping. when is all these going to stop? why does swiss brings me so much sweet and yet bitter memories? why did i become so weak and afraid? what's up, woman?

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broke down and cry;

Thursday, January 21, 2010/11:14 AM
visited cx at her pushcart at jp after school. finally sort of like went out and totally ignored school work. finished my markings. no lesson plannings needed. felt really relaxed and carefree!
reached around 3pm and accompanied her till 5pm. went off to shop alone at jp. then went back to her around 8pm when she called me for help. haha! so a guy in the opposite her actually offered her dinner! lol. 果然魅力无法挡！so went back and we talked and laughed at stupid things. and only substantial thing we came up with is to plan a gathering for jiji kumaleh jkj to celebrate yilin's birthday and farewell to junyang's NS enlistment.we packed the pushcart around 9.30pm. haha! not bad, she got an earning of 313bucks for the whole day! then we went to the 24hour ntuc to buy my breakfast and parted around 1030pm. solid. was with her from 3 to 10pm! i this kind of jiang yi qi fren where to find right! anw,good day with cx! :)

bused home and i don't know why. started crying. and i literally broke down and cry after i alight from the bus, on my way back. not that i don't know why. i know why, don't i?

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blogsecret says;

Tuesday, January 19, 2010/8:43 AM
14387.) I used to look forward to talking with you every night.

It’s what what got me out of bed in the morning, it helped scribble some colour into the otherwise depressing, grey monotony that is my life. But now, something seems to be overtaking you, stealing from me your attention and your heart and now I’m afraid to even call you for fear that you won’t pick up. I’m glad that you’re moving on with your life and continuing to be happy, I really am, I’m just a little sad that I’m one of the things you decided to leave behind.


via (blogsecret)

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Sunday, January 17, 2010/5:57 AM
woke up real late today. 12pm! first time in the two weeks since i started teaching in swiss. though there was some biological clock thing in me and i sort of woke up early in the morning, still had a good sleep. 2 weeks into teaching and indeed, im tired! i don't know why. really don't know why. anw, heard that ms ong's mum passed away. my condolesence to her and her family. anyway, realised that chinese new year is coming!so happy and excited! loved chinese new year every year without fail. the mood, the atmosphere, the people i will meet. yet, this will be the second new year without gonggong. how time flies. realised how time could fade everything. even the missing for someone....anw, sis's watching xia yi zhan xin fu now. would love to catch it, cos it's a good show! but hate the feeling of chasing after ou xiang ju. and could anticipate how i would be affected emotionally over the show, so i guess im giving it a miss. like how im giving it a miss to bai quan nv wang and boys over flower. guess that's all. hope i have a great weekend ahead! :)

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Friday, January 15, 2010/6:18 PM
4e5 gathering today! cool! an enjoyable one indeed. went off to meet jiji after work in school. was so tired and sad when i left school. partly cos i knew he wasn't coming. and cos i was so caught up with school work. nonetheless, met them and felt better!met yp's chuan shuo zhong de da jie and had a great chat together on the train. reached sentosa after some travelling and saw the e5 guys.lol. not much changes to them on the whole. had a big huha when zixian arrived. anw, dunno why zx looked a lil like xuanhan!hah.ok.so the guys bbqed and jiji, being the only grp of girls around, ate the food.yes. admittedly, e5 guys are the most gentlemanly! saw joseph, uncle chiong whom i am still so scared of, ming ming, dear fellow msian zhihong,jiao wai wai, peanut, xiang ge(yongxiang), yoooonnng chhhiiiinnng,ever so loud xuanhan, emo jk, organiser junda, zixian zixian~ cool! i mean its really cool to see the guys still having fun tgt, still suanning each other, still spamming vulgarities at each other! after which, we went to the beach for ball games!god. FORM TEAM~ how quaint! split into 2 teams eventually and had our captain ball games!had great time cos the guys are really awesome players! missed the sha shou, chin chai, green scorpion, wastemall, crusaders times!long time since i exercised anyway.afterwhich, decided to leave,all hoping for the last train. to our dissapointment, missed the last train to boonlay. after much decision, was night rider home. a pity we didn't stay over? cos its a good time for jiji to stay tgt! after much hurdle and decision making, all manage to make their home. btw, i homed at 1am!cool!yet, couldn't help but be reminded of the incident when we missed the last bus cos we went to watch koizora. secretly hope he was around. but i know, it can't be. actually a good thing he didn't turn up today?cos i dunno what will happen to me. what will happen after seeing him. bu kan dao ye hao. zhen de. all in all, it was an awesome night with old friends. :)

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/3:12 PM
went to relief 4e4 today.haha. couldn't help it but feel that they are so holy!they are like so quiet, so smart, so everything!had a really enjoyable 45 mins in there, though i didnt do much but went through questions that seem so chicken feet to them!saw a guy, whom feels so much like jy.hah.how funny.but i was seriously shy then.the guys looked good,girls pretty. perfect combination indeed!was the best class i went to so far,better than my own sec1 class. don't know why,i feel harder to control them then the previous lessons.maybe i wasn't firm enough. maybe i didn't enforced my expectations hard enough. god. it's so hard to teach! im jus like 9 days into and i felt this way. hopefully things turn out well afterall. i don't mind going the extra miles.but i really hope my students do well. i hope im not those lousy teachers who made their students suffer when exams come!jia you many! :)

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010/12:49 PM
met up with benghow! haha. he came over to swiss and hovered around, said hi to some teachers and we went off to jurong point for lunch. talked over lunch about my taiwan trip and after which star buck-ed, and talked about his new zealand trip with all the photos! new zealand's a nice place indeed. beautiful sceneries and everything!but one thing, he dislocated his arm there.so well, had to endure some painful moments for that trip!had a super long session with him, though he did the talking mainly and i jus listened.so around dinner time, we parted. great!another meeting with old friends! :)

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Saturday, January 9, 2010/4:36 PM
还是很想念他。真的很想。每次在swiss都回莫名的因为想起他而感伤。不是说要坦荡，放下？也许我真的还是做不到。每次想起他，听到他的名字，感觉都很不好受。他放下了。真的。他办到了。move on 了。其实，也不过如此，对吧？有多么的爱？又有谁会一直永远爱着谁？他不会，所以我也不会，对吧？我知道。迟早有一天，我会像他一样。一样放得下。一样也可以move on。可以再去爱别人。总有一天会的吧！很多话，放在心里不敢说。不敢对别人说。害怕得不到谅解。也不想被视为博取同情。一段感情，没有了就是没有了。放弃了，还是放弃了。不要再去想那些如果。那些或许。那些本来。是不是该明白，有些人，一旦错过就不再？不知道找谁倾诉，所以还是把话咽了下去。难过，还是自己承受好了。何必麻烦别人。何必再去解释。何必再转牛角尖。不可能了。我们真的不可能了。放弃吧。别再想他了吧。你也有你的人生要过，不是吗？今夜的星空很灿烂。看见了久违的星星。一切会变好吧。真的。就坦坦荡荡。不要再让心理作祟，不然再美的天空，都只会被郁闷的心情搞砸，都只会有难过和悲伤。真的想。真的很想很想再被他疼，被他爱，被他呵护，被他珍惜，被他牵着手，被他照顾，被他抱着。真的很希望我们不曾分开过。真的希望他还没变心。真的希望我们还能再在一起。真的很希望我们能一直走到最后。真的很喜欢很喜欢他。没关系。真的没关系。我是女生。所以有资格难过。有资格悲伤。有资格哭泣。没关系。真的。我可以。一年半不行。没关系。我还有很多很多的一年半。不后悔。不是说不要对自己做的决定后悔吗？心，到底到了什么时候才会平静下来。不要。请不要再让我看见他。不要再提到他。

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Friday, January 8, 2010/11:58 PM
就坦荡些。
该放的放，该忘的忘。
该不想的就别再转牛角尖。

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Thursday, January 7, 2010/3:02 PM
met up with xuan han after school.

guess it aways feels good to catch up with old friends whom i really almost lost contact with during the 2 years in jc.

xuanhan.as usual,a super joker. talked and laughed at the same time for like 4 hours!
updated me about his job now and his life etc etc etc.

how i missed those days lah. where we are still students of swiss. having lessons together, managing co together. a special friend indeed! :D

and in all, the day ended well with the meet up and yeah, shall meet up more friends then!

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/6:39 AM
day ended. am now in the staffroom, at my table, typing this post. staffroom is quiet. cos almost all the teachers went for their meeting.

felt better now.

haven even started teaching. why. why am i feeling so stressed up! :((
this doesnt feel good.

anyway. am still taken aback with every mention of him. and especially in swiss, ppl talks about him.
right.

come on.come on come on.

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/3:16 AM
today's not a good day.
don't know why.

stressed up. for no reason?

worried to take up sec 2 class. really worried. but what to do?
do i back out?
do i break down and cry?
do i request to not take the class?

god knows.

the teachers are friendly. really friendly.
but still,can't help it but to feel lonely.
don't know why.



its just the 3rd day.

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010/10:02 AM
first day of work/school.



was okay!no lessons since my only lesson today is with the sec 1s and they are having orientation.

cool.i got an easy 65bucks in my pockets today!



went to school early in the morning.hop onto 985.



awww.missed those good old days. (:

so familiar yet so different.
back to swiss but now as a teacher, sitting not in the classroom but in the staffroom.
ahh. strange feelings!

went to pick up my eagles award.
200bucks! :D

received the letter for bursary award.
400bucks! :DDD

a rather okay first day indeed!

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Monday, January 4, 2010/5:17 AM
school's starting tomorrow.
scared. worried.

who am i to teach my students well?

will give it my best though.




wish me luck.

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Sunday, January 3, 2010/1:16 PM
jiji kumaleh jkj gathering at cheryl's house!

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Saturday, January 2, 2010/1:01 PM
lemme try to recall what have i done in the year 2009.

did my A's, mugged really hard, went to taiwan, went for ah ying's wedding, couldn't forget him, broke down and cried hard, decided to let go but couldn't, laughed hard, played hard, took many photos, met up with friends, passed 18 year old, quarreled with many, saved up, but spent it away, saw the rainbow, walked in the rain, night studied, camped long hours in library, made new friends, lost old friends, did badly in tests/exams, lost weight, but gained back(haha), gold-ed napfa, talked alot, facebook-ed, blogged again.....

2010 will be a better year than 2009.
yes, it will.

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