am alone at home. long since i am alone at home. liked this feeling. really liked this feeling of solitude. after so much buzz and activity outside, here i am, alone, listening to songs i like and typing this post. alot of things took place these few weeks. hard to describe every little thing. but yeah.
1) went to ms toh's house as usual for CNY gathering. always good to see familiar faces every year during this period. alot of things have changed, indeed. ms toh got a new pet in addition to 'xiao gui'!- its a dog, called 'dian dian'. haha.a lovely dog indeed. this year we didn't have steamboat but ms toh catered food instead. of course, food is good and we felt really uneasy for that burn in her pockets. but still, guess some of us still preferred the usual steamboat we had for the last 2 years. its the 2nd year me n jy went to ms toh's house not as a couple but as friends. felt sad definitely. but guess there aren't anything else i could do.
i looked at him from the back. how familiar and yet how distant. i kept thinking to myself, what will happen if we hadn't gone our separate ways. will i be holding on to him, sitting next to him?
2) huiying and yizhuang dear joined me in swiss since march1st. great! they made teaching life less mundane and lifeless. cos we spend most of our free periods together, talking, crapping and food party-ing. seriously liked that though i always complain to them that eversince they came, i became so distracted! in actual fact, im secretly thanking god for them to be around! we are happening RTs indeed. shopping and dinning at JP one fine day after lessons, karaoke at hy's house, IT fair, badminton, walked home form swiss etc etc!
3) talking about IT fair, it was fantastic! went on friday together with ms lim and we were ultra efficient in helping her get her IPHONE! and yeap, she got it without paying a single dollar. holy mama~ afterwhich, lunched at swensens and ms lim hopped away happily with her new iphone for her facial. the 3 of us went in back to IT fair. spent a hell long time searching for my cheap hard-disk and thumbdrive and huiying her camera. finally got mine at a relatively cheap bargain! then we headed on to SAMSUNG booth for hy's camera. god-like, she got an ultra solid camera that have 2 LCD screens! that was a good bargain too cos the 3 of us were so freaking thick skinned. keep bargaining and keep asking for freebies. haha. was a very fun experience anyway! sense of satisfaction for ourselves were high cos we were really ultra thick skin to the max. and yeap, it was literally the whole afternoon in the IT fair itself cramming with hell lots of people and hell loud shoutings for cheap stuffs. fun!
4) went cycling with cia! rented bike at sunshine place and we rode all the way from sunshine place, following the PCN, to xiao guilin, then PCN again, along bukit batok/gombak area(anw, bb is ultra big!we spent a long time going round bb itself!) , then along the pedestrian lanes all the way to some ulu place which looked like some industrial areas(and we are not intimidated! we continue our journey!), then all the way to somewhere near expressway(we didn't went on to the expressway of course) and then finally found our way to clementi. holy mama! it was a crazy ride indeed. but was seriously fun and fulfilling.
5) was asked this question. 有没有一个人曾经让你很伤心过？was a triggering question for me and i did think through it hard and carefully. i guess it will be jy. not that he had done anything hurtful to me or has let me down in one way or the other, but guess it's because i still couldn't let go of him after so long.
6) NTU and NUS open houses. visited 2 schools on one day itself with yz. admittedly, it was a fruitful trip. but still, couldn't decide what to take on. still a question between interest vs prospects.
Thursday, March 11, 2010/2:40 PM
Once again, I landed myself in such a cross-road. I don’t know where to go, don’t know how to move ahead. 2 years back, I took the JC route cos I didn’t know what to pursue in the poly. And now, 2 years later, nothing seems to change, nothing seems better. Im am still lost. So lost. Needed someone to talk to badly, but didn’t know who to approach. Who can I approach to make this bloody decision for me! People always say go where your interest lies. If u have that passion, no matter how tough the course, you will be able to overcome it and do well. How right. I don’t even know what are my interests, what am I really good at. Can someone tell me what course I should take? I wished I could just set my mind and send in that bloody application. But I can’t. cos just so much things are holding me back. Couldn’t have felt more uneasy than this.
Help.
Monday, March 8, 2010/2:29 PM
and so. a level's results are out. its scary how our future is actually decided over this piece of shit. literally a piece of crappy shit for many of the people out there, who felt that they have actually flunged their a levels. my results weren't that all fantastic either. but i guessed im fine and happy with it. easy for me to say that, i know. since i got AAC/B. good enough for alot of courses, probably. there are frens around me who really did so badly that they can't stop crying and everything else. and i realise there's nothing i could do or say to ease their pain or at least make them feel better.maybe im not an appropriate figure either. guess it's really hard to accept the fact that after two bloody years of hardwork, what turns out is a piece of crappy result that is making the road ahead so tough and daunting; and making one feel so desperate and helpless. im not sure what each and everyone is feeling when they are crying over their results. are they regretting not putting in enough effort for the past two years? or are they feeling so dissapointed cos they didn't get what they want?or is it because they felt that they have let down the people around them? i don't know. cos i didn't cry. i didn't drop a single tear when i got my result slip.that was the promise i made to myself last year, after sitting for my last paper. cos i know i have already slogged my guts out for the last two years in jc and i have already done my best. i realised im not answerable to anyone for my grades cos i don't owe anyone an explanation. the grades are mine and no matter how good/bad they are, they only affect me. so yes, i didn't drop a single tear. though my chemistry tutor was really sad for me for my chem grade(i got a C), i regretted nothing. and now. no matter what, whatever the case, things are fixed. no more turning back, no more backing out. the only thing we can do is to move on from here. i came to a conclusion with a friend that there's always a road for all of us to take from here; just a matter of it being a easier road with fragrance of flowers and lovely chirpings of birds, or a more difficult road with pits and holes,dog shits and bird droppings. but at the end of the day, we will reach the same ending. those on the easier path will have an easier time; but those on the tougher road will be able to rough it out, and emerge as a stronger, more resilient individual. once again, congrats to those who did well. and for those who didn't, remember: 'that success doesn't make you and failure doesn't break you'. jia yous, my fren. and good luck for ur applications. hopefully all of you will get into the course you want and we will all move on from here.
