I don't know why but I cried that night. 很莫名其妙的一晚。就突然想哭，所以狠狠的哭了。can't describe what happened at all. It was just a sudden surge of emotions and outburst of tears. It's been so long since I thought of him and me. I have tried to forget and I thought I was doing well.

Am actually glad that I took up this job.I was kept busy every day. There's no time for me to think of anything else during work and by the time I get home,I'm already too tired to think of anything much. I've been trying already. Trying hard to forget him,to forget about us,但很多事还是很难去控制。如果可以说不喜欢就能不去想的话，我也许就不会像现在这样。但现在的我也没怎样，只是希望自己可以不要再对他有什么期待或 期望。不要再以他为中心点，一直绕了一圈又一圈，最终还是回到了原点。那种没办法脱离的感觉真的很折腾。

其实也不是很想和他在一起吧？我们真的适合吗？还是因为以为还爱着对方所以觉得在一起会很好？我们都变了，很多事情都变了。在以前的那一段感情里，他喜欢 我，在乎我比我在乎他多，但两年后的我们，是我在乎他比他在乎我多。女人的爱情就是多了那一点不勇敢。不勇感的去爱一个人，更不够勇敢去爱一个不够爱自 己的人。总是害怕在时过境迁后，自己会是被留下來的人。

其实一直放不下是因为很多时候会很想身边有一个人陪着自己。在寂寞的时候，在脆弱的时后，在看着别人甜蜜的时候•••那是一种很奇怪的感觉，但却又那么的痛心。我想这次真的可以忘记他了。本以为只要不见面，就能彻彻底底的放开这个人。但事实上是见了面才发现自己和他也不过如此而已。那么的深爱对方吗？如果是，就不会让彼此一次又一次的错过对方。错过可以一起的机会。如果那么爱，就不会那么的不勇敢。sometimes I thought to myself, why can't I just take the plunge and ask him about what he feels about me still. But I guess I still lack the courage. Courage to listen to his respond. If it's a positive response,what can I do? And if it isn't,what should I do then? Sometimes I feel things get so complicated because I made it complicated. 面对他，为什么就是那么的不勇敢，不洒脱。如果有勇气放弃这段感情，为什么没有勇气争取？也许我们对彼此的感情真的也就那样而已。如果真的那么爱，就会有勇气去爱。

and yes, it's already July 2010. time flies indeed. half the year passed and im still in this whole lot of mess. in fact, i think i landed myself in even bigger shit than before. can't believe that we are already halfway into 2010 and im still stuck in all these shit. what happened to all the promises to myself? promises to live everyday better and happier. promises to enjoy this best part of my life. promises to change for the better and everything else. apparently all has come to naught, and all have been reduced to simply empty promises to myself, that don't serve as a purpose of motivation to change for the better, but pressure that is causing me to lag behind. how pathetic can one get? i guess i'm a great example of how one can ruin everything for oneself. i can't believe im going through all these at this point in time and i can't believe i failed myself so terribly for this whole half year. it made me feel as though i have wasted half a year of my life, ruining all the good things that are once present.

been treating mum and dad so badly nowadays and i literally feel like a piece of trash right now. am always talking so loudly, venting my anger, or even ignoring them all the time when im with them. acting like they owe me a lot. like they are the ones causing all my unhappiness in life. how could i. they are my parents. the ones who fed me, clothed me and educated me. and this is how i am going to repay the hands that brought me up? i just can't believe it. just can't believe what kind of person i have became, what kind of atrocious things im doing to my parents. yes i know, they are not the perfect parents out there. they are not rich, but we are not starving. they are not executives/professionals out there, but they are earning their own keep with hardwork and sweat. they are not highly educated, but they have the means to provide for our education and im who im today because of them. they are rowdy, but they are not doing anything criminal. they nag alot, but they are not being unreasonable. they are the most filial children i have ever seen in my life, and that makes me more like a piece of trash. i can't help it but im crying so hard now cos i feel so apologetic to them. so sorry yet i couldnt bring myself to say it out. when i see friends having such an intimate relationship with their parents, i envied them and i blamed my parents for being different. but in fact, it was no fault of theirs cos i have to take the first step to open up to them about my life. who are they to understand my frustrations and everything else if i were to shut my mouth every time i reach home? they are no god. why can't i just be patience when telling them about my day,my feelings?

to my bro, yes. i can't deny the fact. i don't like this brother of mine. in fact i hated him. hated him for being part of my life. hated him to be my brother. cos he just aren't the kind of brother i wanted. those that will take care of their younger siblings. those that will make me feel proud to bring out. those that will take care of the whole family in times of crisis or any other sorts. those that can provide me with a sense of security whenever he is around. those that can simply be just mature enough to be a support of the family. yes, he can't be that kind of brother. he will not be that kind of brother ever. but who don't want to be that? to put it simply, life hasn't been fair to him all these while. he was born to be a little slower than other people. just becos something screwed up during mum's pregnancy. he didn't want that. nobody wanted. everyone wants to be that successful someone whom everyone is proud of who he is. everyone wanted. but he can't. at age 24, his highest education was just ITE. his working experience was just part time warehouse assistant. and he even lost that job due to his knee injury. what else can he do? he aren't the studious type. so he can't study much. and in this cruel society of singapore, no education=no job. it is a fact. who am i to judge him? who am i to despise him? who am i to hate him? he is my brother and he forever will be. nothing could change that fact, not even when i hated him so much. i need to learn how to accept him again into my life. to accept him as who he is and to try my best to communicate with him all over again.

it was a really hard entry to type. very raw emotions of mine all out at a go. but i hope all this helps. aids me in changing for the better and be the happy sinting all over again. i have already failed myself terribly for the first half of 2010. i can't bear to fail myself yet again for the next half. i need to move on. need to move on from all the unhappiness that have been hanging on to me all these while.

alrights. shall blog about baba's n ying's birthday party soon. abit strange to update about such happy stuffs now btw. but it gonna take some time. next weekend? im working long hours! till then!