Sunday, January 30, 2011/3:59 PM
This would have been the loneliest birthday I ever had. But it's okay. I didn't mind that. I don't mind exchanging all the ups and downs for this peaceful 20th.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


/7:14 AM
I never thought I would spend my birthday like this. Yes, like this. Here am I, sitting at the Starbucks Cafe at Plaza Sing, with a cup of java chip and a double chocolate muffin. Okay. They're perfect combinations! I didn't plan for this. Was suppose to meet up jingjie at ion for an ice cream buffet. But something crop up at home and she couldnt make it. And by the time I was informed, I was already in town, beautifully dressed up! Yes, I'm in a dress now. Haha. It might sound a lil pathetic I know. But hmm, better than I thought! I quite like this feeling. Just doing nothing; people watching. Of course, I hope I don't meet anybody here, right now. Hard to explain my loneliness to them.(wenxian and friends just went past! Glad he didn't see me! Haha.) yeah. Anyway, the ex asked me out for a birthday treat tomorrow, which I politely rejected even though im free. I didnt want to do this. But i guess i needa protect myself. Before i could really get over this person, maybe i shouldnt see him at all. And that's about it. What a peaceful 20th that I have hoped for. Hee. Happy birthday! :)

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


Monday, January 24, 2011/8:35 PM
I know. Even if I can't let go of this, even if I can't forget this past, life still goes on. I still go through every day. I still go through days when i thought i have gotten over, and days when i wanted to just cry till i could sleep. You know. I have tried really hard to get over this relationship. I have avoided every single piece of information about him. I have tried not to think about him, think about our past. I have tried to delete every single message from him. I have put away every single gift he gave me before. I have avoided every single gathering with him. And then, I have tried to SMS him like how I would text a normal friend. I have tried to dine with him like what I always do to catch up with a friend. I have tried to see him as a friend, nothing more than a friend. You know, I have tried every single thing I could- from one extreme end to the other. I always thought I can't get over him no matter how long has past. But I did one day, and told myself firmly that this is it. Everything is really coming to an end. I always thought I have let go of this. But suddenly, everything came crashing down again. I feel so darn sad over this person, over this relationship all over again. You know, sometimes I think breaking up aren't a sad thing. Cos every one else is breaking up. The saddest thing is not being able to get over it. And the worst thing is to think that he too, hadn't get over all this. You know how hurtful that is? Just because I think that he also has not got over this relationship, I tell myself to wait. And on the other hand, I know he has long gotten over it. He has long moved on. Everything's just so contradicting. And can you believe it? Im living through this hell everyday. I'm living through all this now, feeling more disappointed than sad. Disappointed at my inability to live my everyday in the absence of his shadow. Having said so much, I'm still kinda sure, that nothing has changed. I'm still this me. I'm no longer expecting something out of this 2011. I'm only looking for a peaceful 20th. Nothing too high, nothing too drastic. Just a peaceful one. I know I could well be too young to talk about this. But I really hope the next man I meet will be the one I'm going to marry. I can't bear to play along. I can't bear to try out a relationship. I can't bear to fall out of love again. And couldn't quite imagine going all these heartbreaks again. So maybe i can make a wish this birthday. Anw, Happy Birthday to me in advance.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


Monday, January 17, 2011/6:18 AM
很久没哭了 知道没用的
不舍从来不能挽回什麽
只有把 勇敢假装到变真的
才能在失去很多后把自我留著

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


/5:23 AM
been really enjoying the holidays so far. didnt do much really. spent most of the time at home. did some real tiring spring cleaning for a couple of days. watched tv for the longest period of time. browsed the net so aimlessly. i loved such lepak days man.

been spending lots of money recently. spending them on driving lessons! kinda sucks. cos i just keep looking at how my savings dwindle. sigh. please. i need more tuition. more tuitions!

cny's coming! yay! the best festive for the year. though i know it gets less and less exciting each year. but at least its a period of time when i dont feel lonely because im single. and its a time i see all my relatives. im looking forward, really.

4e5 gathering yesterday. oh well. its better than i thought! long time since i met up those friends. i really love swiss man. joseph.junhao.jk.xuanhan.kahwai.yongxiang.amira.jiamin.tarandip.huiying.yizhuang.yuping.me. though the guys were mostly on army talks, and that really bore us off. but they did try to entertain us along the way.so yeap.it was an awesome meet up!

you dont know how glad i am to hear that he's not turning up for the gathering. you dont uds how relieved i were. but yes. im thankful that he didnt turn up. at least i could be myself.

im turning 20 in 2 weeks time. *faints* the number 2 is really scaring me.
please turn back time.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


Wednesday, January 12, 2011/11:53 PM
Just a random thought and I started reading those emails we sent to each other when he was in china then. You know, it was so.. Amazing. Sweet. I don't know how to describe. Those things we wrote. Those love we expressed. I could even feel it right now. Feel my heart racing all over again. I know I shouldn't have had them still lying in my mail box. But removing it haven come across my mind either. Suddenly I thought. Maybe the younger us are much more braver in voicing love. We think less, we contemplate less. We just take the leap of faith. Maybe we should all feel ashamed of that lost of courage as we age; That we no longer dared to say love. To find love. To be loved. Those were really sweet memories. Memories that were coated with so much truthfulness, so much passion, and so much courage.

I reminisced those days.
But you know, at the very least.
I can read through all those, not crying.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................


Saturday, January 1, 2011/10:47 AM
i realised it's so hard to start this entry. it's just so hard.
you know, this is the time when whichever blog you go to, you see people recollecting about their 2010 and the love, hate, sadness, happiness, regrets, achievements they had went through and finally their anticipation for the new year. everyone gets moody. yes, everyone. or, is it just me?

2010, was a year of ups and downs. every other years had their share of ups and downs i guess. but this year was, well, different? i don't know.

ended A levels and embarked on a long break from my studies. i guess this was the main event that changed my perception/thoughts/behaviors for my life. if not for this long break, i couldnt have come till this very end.
celebrated my 19th birthday with my friends mostly. wasn't a big blast or anything. just simple dinners, get together with them. started working as relief teacher in swiss and this had been my best working experience as a young adult. received my a levels results and labelled it as one of the best achievements i have made in 2010. not because i did fantastically well, but because i had worked really hard for some thing and i have not regretted a single bit. sought so much advices from so many people and spent such a long time looking for courses to enrol in in university and finally settled for psychology in ntu. went on to a china trip with yz and had a really free and easy trip over there. volunteered in yog and met really great mentors(yati and steven). had wonderful times watching the games, following the results. really enjoyed myself so much for the 14 days event and am really glad i was part of the inaugural youth olympics. uni started and tried really hard to immerse into the new environment. met new friends, back to studying all over again.
just roughly going through the main highlights of the year.

of course, i can never stop talking about my relationship with him. this was regrettably a big portion of down for my life in 2010. i dont know how to talk about it,really. and i guess there's really nothing much to say. have had the worse insomnia of my life this whole year. whether it has got to do with him or not, i can't be bothered anymore. i have had enough of explaining. explaining to others and explaining to myself.i should have long accepted the fact that there're just some things in life that can't be explained and there's really no need to.

you know, sometimes i feel i can't be single forever. cos i see people around me getting attached one by one. im not jealous of their relationship status. but i just thought to myself, it's gonna be really hard to get them out to accompany me one day when i needed someone to talk to. you get what im trying to say? i mean when they have their boyfriends, friends naturally becomes a notch lower than bf in terms of priority. i don't want to turn around one day, and suddenly realise i have no one to go to when i feel so lonely or when i needed a friend to share about life. okay. this applies to everyone and not just me.

for the new year, i decided not to set any new year resolution. the more hopes one harbour, the greater the dissapointment at the end of the day(or year). this is not being pessimistic. but being realistic. i should go easy on myself, right?

lastly, im really glad im back to blogging. really really glad. and really glad that i had went back to this website. nowhere else would be a better place to pen all these down. everytime i look at the archives and see a completed version of the year 2010 from january till december, i smile from the bottom of my heart. so what if most of them contain struggles i went through. i still loved the fact that im back, here. blogging about life haven been more meaningful for me. thanks for coming back, sinting.

and if you insist, happy new year, world!

.......................................................................................................................................................................................