i dont know what the shit am i still doing here, typing. typing a post. i should totally just bury myself in all those books, lecture notes, tutorials, group assignments, individual assignments... i dont understand why the hell am i so busy this sem! i thought sem 1 was a breeze! was in fact a freaking breeze! Ahhhhhhhhhh. i needa let it out, totally.
on another note, im glad he was around. or am i really glad? haha. i have no idea. im confused with my feelings too.
sometimes i think hey, i really like all these love he's showering on me! and sometimes i think im merely exploiting him. sometimes i feel like he should totally stop before the 2 of us sink in deeper. sometimes i thought why not just let everything be as it is. who knows what will happen in the future? sometimes i thought actually i dont really like him afterall. im just too deprived of someone's love and concern and he just happen to be that someone providing me with all that again. sometimes i think i should totally keep an open mind and embrace him. sometimes i think i should just go back to the lonely sinting so as not to get hurt again.
hahahaha. how amusing can i get. totally contradicting thoughts flying all over the place! what the shit. i guess im thinking too much. way too much. so much that my small teeny weeny brain is feeling the strain and it will freaking burst any minute. i shouldnt even allow my brain to store all these craps! open it up for my dead thick psych textbooks will be more practical right?
that day hy told me this. 'you dont set ur expectations too high and open your eyes big big! confirm can find! and if there's a guy who's there for you, dont push him away. receive him with an open heart. who knows he might be the right one?' hahahaha. i totally loved how she phrased it. how she phrased everything! yeah, she's freaking right. that's just what i needed to do right? of course it's always easier said than done, but i find it really true! so maybe i could just work towards that! just keep an open mind about it and we'll see how things turn out?
anyway, i realised i haven been updating the blog seriously. as in put in all those things i had done over these few months. so im like, owe the blog an awfully long post! i will seriously find some time to do that cos i really need to reflect from time to time to keep track of my life. haha. alrights. lemme continue to bury myself in my assignments again. wish me so much luck for the sem seriously. *cross my fingers*
Friday, February 25, 2011/8:59 AM
It feels like we are both trying to treat each other as just friends. When we know deep down that we are not just friends. It's something more. That's something both of us didn't want to admit, I realized. Maybe we are too afraid to change this current relationship of ours. Of course, it's ideal to keep this whole situation as it is and try not to touch it. Because the moment somebody triggered anything, everything will change. But I don't see any good for us to pro long this either. Cos I'm sure, I will be the one feeling the hurt at the very end. Cos by then I would have fallen for him, I would have been too dependent on his care and concern, that suddenly, I can't do without them. And while I can't do without him, It just gonna be easy for him. He'll move on from where we are at, to the next someone. And I will once again wallow in this whole cycle of heartbreaks again. I'm not trying to say because of my last experience, I dare not love again. In fact, I know that I need to love all over again to allow that past one to stay in the past and not haunt me anymore in the future. But how? How should I love? How should I love that someone? I suddenly seemed to have lost the ability to love. Or maybe I'm right, he's just not the right one. Hence the so many uncertainties.
I'm tired now. Tired of making love the centre of my life. It's just so difficult. Just so difficult, right?
Maybe I shouldn't have had indulged in this from the start. Cos we weren't meant to be.
Monday, February 21, 2011/9:37 PM
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Sunday, February 20, 2011/6:18 PM
如果乎远乎近的洒脱
是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活
如果忽冷忽热的温柔是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过
/10:40 AM
That new him. Almost confessed. Or maybe he did somehow confessed. Oh come on, please don't. Please don't.
I don't wanna be a substitution. And I don't think I wanna be with you. You're not the right one, yet.
Friday, February 18, 2011/11:57 PM
Finally, finally I see how stupid and dumb I had been. All these while. I have been a fool. To think I couldn't get over that man. That man who couldn't even remember which school I'm in now. What course I'm pursuing. Hahaha. I want to laugh. I want to laugh my head off. I want to laugh till I roll on the floor. I can't imagine how ridiculous all these had became. After so long. After so many tears. After so many sleepless nights. I realize how much time I've wasted. Wasted on someone who has long treated me as a friend. Just a friend. Nothing more than a friend. I have to thank him. You know, I really have to thank him. Thank him for that call. If not for that call, I wouldn't have seen everything opening up so clearly infront of me. I knew it. I knew someday like this will come. Someday, when I finally realize how much a fool I had been. Realized how much time I have wasted. Yes, I think it came a little late. Later than it should. But it's alright. At least it came. I'm so ready to get over this man. And I know it's really not about him anymore. Love, please knock on my door again. I'm really ready to embrace you now.
Thursday, February 17, 2011/12:20 AM
We are at a very awkward stage. We are in such an awkward relationship. It's just me, being selfish. Really. I really am. It's as though I'm trying to use him to forget the ex. which tells how much a bitch I am. I'm trying to prove that it doesn't have to be the ex. Anyone else can do the job to make me fall in love again. And indeed, yes. You know, i will now bear open my heart and say that I really do like this him. I really do. Not purely friendship like. But probably there's a little extent of romance in it. It's really hard to say for sure about such feelings, but I think I'm feeling in love all over again.
But that's just my fantasy. Cos I know I can never ever get together with him. I can't foresee us walking together as a couple. I can't at all. In fact, I find it disgusting if we were to get together. This is leaving me in a really awkward position.
I enjoyed so much how he had showed his care and concern for me. How much love he had showered on me. But I can't make him a boyfriend. It's not going to work out. The relationship wouldn't work out. I know I'm thinking too much. I'm trying too hard to stay calm and cool. Trying to be the rationale sin ting whom weighs all possible pros and cons before making a decision. And I know this is killing the romance. Slowly and gradually. Cos love requires rashness. And that leap of faith. Not all these rationale thinking. But I can't help it! I really can't help it. Cos I really can't bear to end up with a broken relationship another time. I can't imagine going through that whole process of getting over again. That painful experience had made it hard for me to fall in love once more. I know this is dumb. This is pathetic. This is uncalled for. But I'm pretty sure if I embark on this new relationship now, it wouldn't last. Not bcos i still can't get over the past. But bcos it's not the right time and not the right person. I'm seriously looking for a relationship that will last me till marriage. And I don't think he is the one. At least I don't see how he could be the one now. Is it just me or are all humans selfish? I wished we could stay on in such position forever! He continues to shower me with love but I stay where I am. Yet I know it wouldnt be possible. I could feel his impatience. And unfortunately, I think I just extinguished that flame from him.
I cant believe my happiness is so short-lived. Now, I'm back to the lonely sinting once more. I hated myself right now.
Goodbye to love, yet again.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011/11:47 PM
Things are getting better. The worst is over. Really. Gong will recover and be back as the healthy him soon. We'll look forward to the whole family portrait next year during Chinese new year together! :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011/4:23 PM
It was the worst night of my life. I couldn't believe how bad it had turned out. We all cried. Cried so hard at gong's bedside. Because we see how much he was suffering. He couldn't stop whining. And wai po snapped. She can't hold it and burst out in tears. Everyone started crying. It was horrible. I guess it drains the heart and mind of a caregiver. and here's when wai po couldn't hold it anymore and had to release her pent up emotions. I go over and hugged wai po tight in my arms. That was the first time in my life I hugged her. She trembled in tears and held my hand tight. It literally tore me apart. I held her so tight and my tears started to flow. I tried my best to hold them back. I held them back so tightly. I couldn't. Gong's back into the hospital now. He has to. There are better care personals there who can provide him with the medical support he needs. You know, for once, I wished I could let him go. We could just let him go. Cos it's way too painful to see someone suffering through a life worst than death. Not one night can be worst than this. Not one. If we haven came back and called the ambulance over, I think we would have lost him.lost him that night. The next 3 days are critical. If he can go through, things will turn better. If not, we have to prepare for the worst.this morning I went into the ward alone and stood by gong's bedside. I started crying. I can't control. I held his hands up and he opened his eyes to look at me.I turned over and wiped my tears away.I grabbed his hands and couldn't believe I told him this, silently in my heart, that gong, if you have to go, please go. And please go with a peaceful heart n worry about nothing. You don't deserve to go through all these and I don't want you to go through all these. I don't know how much courage I summoned to say and feel those words. If god does exist and does hear my prayers, please god, relieve my gong of all his sufferings. I don't want him to suffer anymore.
Friday, February 11, 2011/10:41 PM
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Thursday, February 10, 2011/3:10 PM
Had a really bad day.
Wai gong's feverish yesterday night. Wai po's not feeling well at home. Gong developed some complications today. And I simple can't force myself to probe any further. I can't stand hearing something bad again. My mind's so messed up right now. So messed up. It's been so long since I had to cry myself to sleep. But my mind's running so wild now. And I can't help it. I felt so helpless that the only thing I could do is just cry. I don't know what else to do. How else to do other than crying.
Sunday, February 6, 2011/4:27 PM
I know. Everyone of us know. That one has to grow old, and will pass away one day, taking nothing with us and leaving everything else behind. It's always easy to go, to be the one leaving. For those left behind are the ones suffering, going through the rest of the pain, the tears, the regrets. I never knew how painful it was to see someone go until I encountered it a few years back. Despite knowing well that we will all one day go through death, it is still something to be weary of. Because of the kind of pain that is inflicted to us for the rest of our life. This wasn't an all-well chinese new year getaway at wai po's house. Gong's admitted to the hospital on jan25th. Up till now, when we are all back home. He's still in there. I don't know if you understand how painful it is to see your parents crying. And to see someone so aged, still suffering from pains that were so uncalled for. And this brings me to the point of the fucked up driver who decided to knock my gong off his motorbike and to pass off as someone else by leaving us a false contact number. I don't know how is she able to sleep every night without feeling her conscience pricking. How is she going to ride through that same old stretch of road, not feeling paranoid or even a tinge bit of guilt. I know no one asked for an accident. Nobody wanted this to happen. But at the very least, you own up to your mistakes and take responsibility to rectify the wrongs you have done. In any case, I don't know how all these will turn out cos we have decided to report it to the police only after my gong can be discharged from the hospital. I really hope we can find that driver and let her explain herself for her fucked up attitude.
This aside, it was still a considerably good trip back. And to our relieve, gong is in a rather stable condition for the moment. Though we were all put off track for the usual routine we had every cny, I still appreciate how everyone made this reunion memorable for me all the same. And I have met a cousin that I never remembered I had. Who's a great little chap I will say. Great with words, making everyone laugh heartily despite the occasional tensed atmosphere. Glad to see wai po still healthy, going strong. And the rest of cousins getting on well in life. Let's once again, not ask for a happening year but a peaceful one. Gong, get well soon and all the best for my lovely relatives over there.
Thursday, February 3, 2011/1:10 AM
I can never forgive myself if anything was to happen to wai gong. I can never. Who am I to judge mummy. To think that she asked for an early departure tomorrow for her selfish reasons. How can I ever understand the position she is in. Her feelings as a daughter. You know how sad I were just now? You know how regret I felt? You know how I scared I felt? I was so scared. So scared that wai gong wouldn't make it through. and I can never ever forgive myself. And once again, I will have to live through this regret for the rest of my life. Ever since gong gong passed away, I constantly remind myself to be filial to my parents and grandparents. To treat them well, to accompany them as much as possible. The last thing I wanted is to regret not being filial to them. I don't want to go through the same heartbreak that i went through after the demise of gong gong. That I blamed myself for taking him for granted. And for not showing my filial piety before it is too late. It's always such regrets that breaks the heart. To have not done something, and regretted that you hadnt. Please let wai gong go through this ordeal with as little pain as possible. And he can be back to the healthy him soon. He shouldn't be suffering anymore. Wai gong, get well soon.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011/12:09 AM
You know, some times I wonder. Do I really loved him so much? That I couldn't get over this after so long? Or was it just because I haven found a new love. A new love that will take over his position, that will create new memories for me to recall and reminisce. For a split moment just now, I strongly believed that it was the latter. That it's only because I haven found a new love to take over him and this past relationship. This is because i just managed to browsed through his photos on fb, heart not skipping a single bit. This could mean that I probably don't love him anymore now. Okay. Maybe not "anymore" but "not as much". Although this still doesn't mean I have gotten over, at least I know I couldn't let go not because I still loved him and longed for his affections. But that it's because I haven found the real love of my life who will provide me with all the love I needed. It was at that split moment that the believe that "he is not my right guy" surfaced and i realised I feel okay about it. And all along, I have wrongly convinced and confused myself. Convincing myself that no other man is better than him and confusing the reasons why I still couldn't get over the relationship. So maybe, all I needed now isn't him. It's just that someone out there whom I haven met.
And accept this. What's meant to be, will be.
