We are at a very awkward stage. We are in such an awkward relationship. It's just me, being selfish. Really. I really am. It's as though I'm trying to use him to forget the ex. which tells how much a bitch I am. I'm trying to prove that it doesn't have to be the ex. Anyone else can do the job to make me fall in love again. And indeed, yes. You know, i will now bear open my heart and say that I really do like this him. I really do. Not purely friendship like. But probably there's a little extent of romance in it. It's really hard to say for sure about such feelings, but I think I'm feeling in love all over again.
But that's just my fantasy. Cos I know I can never ever get together with him. I can't foresee us walking together as a couple. I can't at all. In fact, I find it disgusting if we were to get together. This is leaving me in a really awkward position.
I enjoyed so much how he had showed his care and concern for me. How much love he had showered on me. But I can't make him a boyfriend. It's not going to work out. The relationship wouldn't work out. I know I'm thinking too much. I'm trying too hard to stay calm and cool. Trying to be the rationale sin ting whom weighs all possible pros and cons before making a decision. And I know this is killing the romance. Slowly and gradually. Cos love requires rashness. And that leap of faith. Not all these rationale thinking. But I can't help it! I really can't help it. Cos I really can't bear to end up with a broken relationship another time. I can't imagine going through that whole process of getting over again. That painful experience had made it hard for me to fall in love once more. I know this is dumb. This is pathetic. This is uncalled for. But I'm pretty sure if I embark on this new relationship now, it wouldn't last. Not bcos i still can't get over the past. But bcos it's not the right time and not the right person. I'm seriously looking for a relationship that will last me till marriage. And I don't think he is the one. At least I don't see how he could be the one now. Is it just me or are all humans selfish? I wished we could stay on in such position forever! He continues to shower me with love but I stay where I am. Yet I know it wouldnt be possible. I could feel his impatience. And unfortunately, I think I just extinguished that flame from him.

I cant believe my happiness is so short-lived. Now, I'm back to the lonely sinting once more. I hated myself right now.

Goodbye to love, yet again.