Friday, March 25, 2011/4:39 PM
you know. maybe we're meant to be friends. meant to be just friends. im talking about that new him. actually we known each other for very long. but there hadnt been spark. any spark or sorts throughout those years we had known each other. it had been pure friendship. just pure friendship between a man and a woman. friends who talk about anything and everything. about studies, about life, about love, about romance. everything! we still do this now. talking about anything and being really comfortable with each other's accompany.

he once told me this:
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

i agree. very much agree. if you dont know each other well enough, you both feel uncomfortable to be quiet because there's this "awkward silence" thing and there's really no common topic to talk about. if you two liked each other(i.e. mutual attraction) but not yet a couple, you both feel uneasy to be quiet because there's "adrenaline pumping" and you need some noise to cover up that feverish thumping of your heart.

but when im with him, im neither. im comfortable. im comfortable not talking with him or vice versa. comfortable just being silent. i dont know what position does that leaves the 2 of us in then. maybe all along, i have thought too much, put too much attention into it, and tried too hard to find explanations or reasons for everything.

im cool to be in this stage now. a pretty single woman.
go out on dates. go all out. you're not bounded by any commitments and you don't need to account to anyone. open up your choices and just follow your heart. whatever comes, comes. whatever's meant to be, will be.

when someone treats you well, lets not ask why.
lets just accept it and to our very best, reciprocate.
perhaps life's simpler and happier that way.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011/7:48 AM
i'm so scared. i'm so scared of falling back into it. yes. falling back into the pithole i have digged for myself for the past 2.5 years.
you know, for once, i hated him so much. i hated him so much so much. why must he leave me in such a state. why is he causing me so much agony over the years. why is he living in me. in every part of me all these while. i never hated him before. but right now, i really hated him so much. i wanted to bring him out of my life so much so much. to freaking destroy every part and every inch of me that is still clinging on to him. he's a bastard for causing so much pain in me.

i know. im in no position to hate him. what am i thinking! it was me who asked for the damn breakup then for god's sake. so what the hell am i doing now? what the fuck am i doing now?

you dont know how much i hated this time of the year. this time, when i will be thinking about gonggong again, thinking about all those painful memories again, thinking about the damn regret that's going to follow me through the rest of my life. and then, i will start thinking about how he had been my pillar of support then. how he had given me such a warm hug that night and how i had cried so hard in his arms. i hate all these you know. i hate all these.

i have told myself that i am not going to fall back into this again. ever again.

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/7:00 AM
It's a blue Tuesday. I need a dose of adrenaline pump or happiness overflow to drive that away.

Screw the week for me. Yes. Screw it.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011/3:36 PM
Can all of you treat it as you have never told me about your knowledge about the blog? Cos if you can't, I think I can't continue to blog here anymore either.
I hate to have to stop blogging at this place, at this site. I have never find blogging more enjoyable than this.
Lets just put everything back on track-how it used to be. Don't ask me about any updates. Don't ask me anything you've seen here. If I want to say, I will bring it up to you. If not, shall we leave it as it is?
Lets just leave me alone in this virtual space I have created for myself.
If we have reached a consensus, I promise I will continue to blog like how I used to. And you can go on watching me from the dark in the most intimate way.
If not, I have to excuse myself from this place from now on.

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011/7:15 AM
And so you see, i'm quoting from her blog again.

If you aren’t happy single,
you won’t be happy taken.
Happiness comes from within,
not from men.

– Unknown.

Please tell me how to not love her entries.

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/4:05 AM
I think I'm prolly dying of heart attacks and shockness soon. After baba, there's huiying, then to yizhuang and now we have turbo.

What the hell? What the hell seriously! Jiji is freaking scary! D:

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Monday, March 14, 2011/4:49 AM
okay. so i see. this place arent really as private as i thought it was. apparently yizhuang had been following too. sigh. much as i feel touched that i still have these girls whom still are caring so much about me and still keeping themselves updated about my life, i feel, to a large extent, uncomfortable actually. i genuinely believed that no one knows about this place when i started to come back here again. i really really thought so. so i had been so truthful, so open, so raw with my feelings over here. i share every single intimate detail on how i felt and things like that. i felt so exposed now. seriously. i mean it's really hard to continue to blog like how i used to all these while now, knowing that there are people reading. i find it hard to be so truthful now. haha. so i dont know what will happen to here. i dont know if i can still continue to yeah, blog about life here. but in any case, im not trying to blame anyone alright. cos i should be prepared that there are indeed people out there who are watching over me. and of course, i should be happy!

you see, that's why i say, if you happen to stumble into my blog, dont have to let me know!

anyway, met up with that new him yesterday for dinner. i could feel it. i could feel the both of us supressing. apparently i know the reason why im trying hard to suppress. but why do i also felt that on him? he used to be rather open with his care and concern for me. but it seems like. he's starting to keep it back and tone it down. it's a very strange feeling. which i find it so hard to describe. in fact, i dont think i am able to use any word to describe that.

Disappointing? i dont know. but maybe this is a good start, to the end of this whole fantasy. i cant imagine how hurt i will be if all these were to drag on and yet,all comes to naught eventually.
or maybe im really not prepared to embrace anyone as yet. im still so scared of getting hurt. im still so scared of failing. im still so scared of everything and anything. what a loser!
but in any case, i have decided to let everything be as it is. if he has decided to leave me from now, i'll just accept it. maybe bury myself in the pillow, cry for some nights. and that shall be it. and i shall consientiously prepare myself for this day to come. so at least there's some buffer to it.

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Saturday, March 12, 2011/8:27 AM
oh my god. this is killing me. seriously.
chua hui ying also discovered this damn blog!!
oh my god. she's been secretly following me for dont know how long! this is terrible man. jiji's full of silent stalkers. haha. now im really starting to get worried, that there are indeed people out there whom have been following and not letting me know. so scary!

but in any case, please please, dont come forward to let me know. and those who really do know about this, keep it between you and me. :)

anyway, even though i was so damn shocked when ying told me she knew about it, i was secretly happy about it. i dont know. i mean. i feel damn touched.
so, thank you also, ying. (now i know why you suddenly texted me that the other day. hahaha. now i understand!) :)

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Friday, March 11, 2011/9:37 AM
Read those past entries again. Haha. This is so embarrassing but I realized I really like to read my past entries. It felt like I'm reading a book. A novel. And i sorta loved the way I blog. Haha, alright, that's besides the point. The thing I wanna talk about is, I realized I really had so many so many entries about the ex. So many of them. Way too much-that's what I really feel.
Actually you know, I'm scared. I'm really scared. That I could seemingly get over the ex is largely due to the emergence of that new him. Which means, if I were to lose that new him one day, I'll be back to that old me, wallowing in all the shits again; and this time round, with an additional portion of soreness. I'm really scared you know. I really, badly wanted to get over the past not on the account of anyone else but myself.
And coming to my next point, I think I'm really losing it. I'm losing myself to that new him. I think I'm in love with him. I think I'm landing myself in deep shit. I'm at a loss for words now. I know I shouldn't have let myself do that. I shouldn't have lost control of myself. I know I shouldn't have indulged in this in the very first place.
According to what I have learnt from psychology: "Self-control/thought suppression,whereby we try to push thoughts out of our minds doesn't work very well. The more we try not to think, the more those very thoughts keep coming to mind. We should go ahead and think about the forbidden topic while trying to exert will power when it comes to acting on those thoughts. "
What the hell.
Just by looking how many of my entries for these few months have been dedicated to talk about me and that new him, you know I haven been doing very well in exerting my will power.
I hope I wouldn't do it to myself again. I hope I wouldn't have to take another 2.5 years again. I hope I wouldn't do myself so much injustice ever again.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011/10:59 AM
been following a stranger's blog for quite some time. okay. probably not a total stranger. she's a cousin's friend. haha. i dont know her personally. but i really loved the way she blogs.
quoted this from her:


'There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

– Mark Twain

That’s the bloody problem. I have been charmed into taking a single bite of the forbidden fruit, but with its sweet and lingering taste in my mouth, I am gripped with this innate desire to take more, to have more. Now I can’t seem to think of anything else.

There’s only one word to describe the predicament I find myself in: Shit. '

obviously applicable to my predicament now. that's why i loved her entries.

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/1:26 AM
Disclaimer:this is dedicated to baba.

hahaha.baba! how could you! you discovered this lala land of mine! really is mei you li you! but.but.but. i think i will just treat it that you didnt discover this place. nobody had.
so that i can still update what i feel all the same.
so i will, continue to put up my most raw feelings here.
thank you, baba.

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/12:04 AM
I should really keep my cool and stop doing this to myself. I'm freaking losing it. I'm losing control of my emotions and yearns.

Damn.

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Sunday, March 6, 2011/6:04 PM
it's been so long since i really sat down to blog. blog about life! all those random entries can't constitute much i guess.

1) started the year with lots of driving lessons. haha. yes. im driving around! though im still nervous everytime i report for classes, i think im getting on fine? haha. much more lessons needed definitely. but i really hope i get over and done with this really soon. hahaha. im looking forward to driving to school every morning! (:

2) had a mad rush trying to apply for uni courses/modules. what an experience! ended up with an elective that i didnt like. sigh. what to do? can only blame myself for not brainstorming and searching hard enough before the add drop period! too lax. i promise. next sem i gonna try really really hard for the registrations!

3) went to chinatown for the most number of time ever this chinese new year! haha. i also dont know why. it just happen! went there to shop for new year clothes, to walk the streets, and everything! literally countless times!

4) went back to school dreadfully after the one month break. ahh. sem 2 started! what a bad sem i would say. busy busy busy! lots of assignments to do cos the profs are really petty in allocating marks. its like each assignment cost 3 marks? and there are many such assignments. so its really alot of efforts put in for the petty petty marks. sigh.

5) birthday lunch with cixian at Nex. ahahaha. nex's awfully huge! and with lots of lots of eateries. so we just went for some jap cuisine and yeap. her treat! lots of updates for each other totally. so long since we met up and talked. glad all of these sec friends are still in contact man. and yeap, really hope she'll meet someone really good soon. heh. (wish for myself too!)

6) birthday dinner with that new him at marina square. and movies after that! his treat of course. is this the trigger point for the both of us? oh, maybe not. it was a week before. when he asked me out to talk about his broken relationship. yeah. i dont know why he chose me to confide in. but i wasnt really surprise. cos ppl do like to confide in me.(bu yao lian, i know) and im really happy because of that! im really proud to be that someone whom others like to confide in! hee.

7) chinese new year 2011. like what i had mentioned before, it wasnt an all-well new year this year. wai gong's hospitalised. and everything else was knocked off the usual routine. so yeah. upsetting i know. considering how much i have always looked forward to chinese new year every year. but i guess its okay lah. things will get better next year. im sure!

8) belated birthday dinner with jingjie. haha. she's still guilty for pang seh-ing me during my birthday! hmm but well, i dont blame her seriously. heh heh. so we went to plaza sing for a buffet. was really great! afterwhich to the movies- Black Swan. awfully good movie i would say. but it was freaking disturbing for me. i felt so disturbed after the movies. that i almost vomitted. okay, maybe its because i was too full(due to the buffet) before it. but seriously, i think i cant take it. haha. the plot was great though. so, its still worth a try!

9) with my asset, i made my way to the sentosa flower festival! hahaha. it was an awesome photo shot trip i swear. took really alot of pictures and i was really really proud of them. cos they're simply awesome! tai hao kan le! though i was under the hot sun all day and walked around the whole place by foot, i was a happy girl. real happy girl. i never realise how much happiness a photoshot like this can bring me!

10) cny gathering at ms toh's place. its the 5th year already! how time flies literally. as usual, gambling is our main agenda and of course, did plenty of updates with my beloved zhuai lao shi too! and those frens whom i meet only once a year. really really enjoyed myself alot for the night. and i do hope we can continue this tradition for the many many years to come!

11) watched movies alone. yes, alone! for the first time in my life! i watched a movie alone. okay. it was better than i thought. more comfortable that i thought. maybe because it wasnt really a crowded timing. thats why i dont feel the awkwardness that is attached to my loneliness. and there are indeed people like me whom go movies alone too! haha. that made my experience less daunting yeah? im getting more and more comfortable doing stuffs alone. infact, i prefer such solitudes! it's a really special feeling and im loving it.

12) 08s14 gathering at vivo to celebrate farhana's birthday. haha. just a simple meet up with kfc as dinner at the roof top garden. but i really had a great deal of laughter with these bunch of friends! so long since i really laughed this hard i realised. its always the case whenever i meet up with these friends. we will just talk about anything and everything. and then laugh our heads off. and then talk about random stuffs again and laugh again. hahaha!

13) that new him. had a minor operation that day. and yeah, not surprisingly, i went over to the hospital to visit him. sigh. i shouldnt have done that? i dont know. so anyway, i met his parents there and had a chat. it felt so freaking awkward. like meeting the parent session? oh my god. i dont know what the hell am i doing! i dont know what position im in to be actually there, at the hospital, waiting for him with his parents. anyway, his parents were really friendly. and open-minded i would say. they even tried to leave the 2 of us alone after he's brought out of the operation theatre. im like. "please-dont-treat-me-as-his-girlfriend-cos-im-not-and-im-really-super-paiseh-now". haha.literally man! maybe i really shouldnt have turned up. afterall, i dont know what had he said to his parents about me and things like that. i could in fact feel the pressure from his parents now you know? what is this. what the hell is this.

14) finally heard news from the Prof whom i signed up as Research Assistant with! haha. my first assignment is with a fyp student of psych and im supposed to help her conduct her experiments! hahahaha. i was really glad i was attached to her. cos i realy liked this senior. we've so much things in common and so much things to talk about. and she's really a nice person to be with. heh heh. and she has taught me alot, shared with me her experiences and given me tips here and there. totally loved her! thats why im also really very willing to help her out whenever i can! though its tiring at the end of the day, i loved my experience there. thank god i signed up for it!

15) you know what happened just now? that him. he came over to my house, (specially) to pass me a bottle of liang teh! just because i mentioned to him that i wasnt feeling very well yesterday night. oh my god. im like. oh my god. OH MY GOD. what is this. what the hell is this. totally. i dont know what to say you know. i felt so freakin overwhelmed by his actions. nobody had ever done that. nobody!(okay, not that i have alot of bfs to start with) but i mean even those really close girl friends i had hadnt done this before! my heart's pounding like crazy you know. he drove here with his mum and brought me that liang teh! WHAT THE SHIT. and his mum's real concern about me. shit.shit.shit.shit. I'M IN DEEP S.H.I.T. i swear. the feeling was so. so mixed up. so hard to discribe. i just felt a mad rush of happiness,anxiousness,excitement,uneasiness,awkwardness,helplessness gushing through my whole body rapidly. the worst thing is he saw how red my face were when i was talking to his mum! haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. when i got back home, i could really feel my whole face turning hot and that its really gonna burst anytime! after some effort to calm myself down, i felt really lost. really helpless. and the only thing i could bring out of my mind and to my mouth is.
怎么办。

请不要对我那么好。
我不懂怎么回报你。

i really felt so lost you know. i mean of course, i felt damn touched. damn freaking touched by his gestures. but. what can i do. i dont know what can i do. the better he treats me, the worse i felt. i mean at that very instantaneous moment, i felt so happy. but when i really sit down and recall what had really happen, i felt so bad. i felt so terrible of myself. it really felt like exploiting him you know. i really dont want to do this to him but on the other end i cant bear to end all these. damn. damn! i know how people are going to judge me. i know they're going to say im a bitch. yes, i agree. that im such a bitch. but are there people who are going to tell me, its okay. just go on. just enjoy all these. cos these are the best moments that 2 people can have. when the relationship do blossom one day, all these moments would vanish and what the 2 of you will be facing will be all the quarrels and the countless expectations.
sigh. apparently im just trying to find excuse for my actions and find reasons to make myself feel better; at least feel less of a bitch. help me out, anyone?

16) im done for the 2 months of updates that i owe. and i just realised that there actually realy arent much events that i have went through. but contradictingly, my mind and soul had went through pretty lots of changes. i've learnt to let go of that past relationship and i had a taste of a seemingly blooming relationship. i have yet again, brush through death but this time round, it didnt end in a bad note. i have learnt to appreciate my new found friends in uni more and open up myself to them. and im starting to love my carefree singlehood life now. yeap. thats all i have to say. stay tuned for more updates! (:

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Saturday, March 5, 2011/10:07 PM
I don't know why the hell I did that. Why the hell I told that lie.
What did I just do?

I don't know what's wrong with myself. I don't know.

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011/4:16 PM
I'm in such a pretty mood today. I could literally feel my happiness oozing out. Haha.

I realized I haven had a happy singlehood days during those past 2.5 years when I couldn't get over him and the relationship. People always say singlehood has it's share of carefreeness and simple pleasures. But I have had never enjoyed any one of that. I have not enjoyed any one day of my singlehood. Cos everything's painful. Everything's sore to me.
But today, right today, I'm experiencing my first happy singlehood day. I finally discovered how much happiness I could feel when I really got over that him. I could finally understand and experience those carefreeness and pleasures singlehood brings.
I feel so good about myself today. In fact, I find myself so pretty today! So I see, a pretty mood makes me feel pretty too!

I will indulge myself in this for some time. Yes, really for some time. Cos I haven went through such authentic singlehood-ness ever.
I love this pretty new me. :)

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