i'm so scared. i'm so scared of falling back into it. yes. falling back into the pithole i have digged for myself for the past 2.5 years.
you know, for once, i hated him so much. i hated him so much so much. why must he leave me in such a state. why is he causing me so much agony over the years. why is he living in me. in every part of me all these while. i never hated him before. but right now, i really hated him so much. i wanted to bring him out of my life so much so much. to freaking destroy every part and every inch of me that is still clinging on to him. he's a bastard for causing so much pain in me.

i know. im in no position to hate him. what am i thinking! it was me who asked for the damn breakup then for god's sake. so what the hell am i doing now? what the fuck am i doing now?

you dont know how much i hated this time of the year. this time, when i will be thinking about gonggong again, thinking about all those painful memories again, thinking about the damn regret that's going to follow me through the rest of my life. and then, i will start thinking about how he had been my pillar of support then. how he had given me such a warm hug that night and how i had cried so hard in his arms. i hate all these you know. i hate all these.

i have told myself that i am not going to fall back into this again. ever again.