okay. so i see. this place arent really as private as i thought it was. apparently yizhuang had been following too. sigh. much as i feel touched that i still have these girls whom still are caring so much about me and still keeping themselves updated about my life, i feel, to a large extent, uncomfortable actually. i genuinely believed that no one knows about this place when i started to come back here again. i really really thought so. so i had been so truthful, so open, so raw with my feelings over here. i share every single intimate detail on how i felt and things like that. i felt so exposed now. seriously. i mean it's really hard to continue to blog like how i used to all these while now, knowing that there are people reading. i find it hard to be so truthful now. haha. so i dont know what will happen to here. i dont know if i can still continue to yeah, blog about life here. but in any case, im not trying to blame anyone alright. cos i should be prepared that there are indeed people out there who are watching over me. and of course, i should be happy!

you see, that's why i say, if you happen to stumble into my blog, dont have to let me know!

anyway, met up with that new him yesterday for dinner. i could feel it. i could feel the both of us supressing. apparently i know the reason why im trying hard to suppress. but why do i also felt that on him? he used to be rather open with his care and concern for me. but it seems like. he's starting to keep it back and tone it down. it's a very strange feeling. which i find it so hard to describe. in fact, i dont think i am able to use any word to describe that.

Disappointing? i dont know. but maybe this is a good start, to the end of this whole fantasy. i cant imagine how hurt i will be if all these were to drag on and yet,all comes to naught eventually.
or maybe im really not prepared to embrace anyone as yet. im still so scared of getting hurt. im still so scared of failing. im still so scared of everything and anything. what a loser!
but in any case, i have decided to let everything be as it is. if he has decided to leave me from now, i'll just accept it. maybe bury myself in the pillow, cry for some nights. and that shall be it. and i shall consientiously prepare myself for this day to come. so at least there's some buffer to it.