you know, that night. That very night. i totally felt so good being the single me. i think it's because im hanging out with all these awesome single friends i have. being with them make me feel so good being single.
i feel so free. so carefree.
i dont need to wait for his sms. i dont have to keep anticipating for his texts. i dont have to keep checking my phone for any updates.
im just a very carefree me. that i totally enjoyed and indulged in.
life's good like this!
I quietly thought to myself, maybe I don't really need someone that much afterall. And at that moment, I actually wished he hadn't enter my life. I'm talking about that new him. If only if he hadn't knock on my doors now.
I know. If this is really what I'm feeling right now, I could have just rejected him. I could have just stood firm on my stand and not develop this relationship further. But I'm scared too. I will be scared too. That if I were to give it up this time round, I wouldn't get a second chance. Fate don't happen for the second time on those people who don't treasure chances.
I admit. Honestly admit that I'm just someone who considers so many things and factor before I enter a relationship. That's what baba once told me. I know I shouldn't. I mean it's good to think through but not too much please. I'm obviously thinking too much here.
as i took bus 172 with a friend home after the meet up, we realised something similar between us. that we were both yearning and looking for love to happen on us. but at the same time, we are not courageous enough and are afraid to really let it happen. that's a very contradicting feeling that's bothering the both of us.
and we came to a conclusion that we are too independent. we had been too independent all these while and are not able to cope with the addition of another person in our life, jeapardising all the balances we have established for ourselves.
we hate the reports that we have to make-like where i am now, who i am with now, what am i doing now. we hate the typical manual for the behavior of typical couples-like women have to be reliant and frail and men have to be decisive and posessive. essentially,we have too much of our own principles and self-coined terms(that's what he always says about me)that don't make us good girlfriends.
we were discussing why i don't get a boyfriend yet/why i'm not attached yet. and one of my guy friend mentioned that i'm "too original". that's the phrase he used to describe me. and he continued to say that usually men don't like women to be too original. Too original? i think i'll need a while to really understand that.
i'm a person who is really cool being alone at times. at alot of times actually. in fact, i prefer times of solitude so much. maybe i have grew accustomed to be alone all these while. it's just time when i feel really down, i wished for someone's presence. to be the listening ear, to provide a hug, to give comfort. but other than that, i prefer to be left alone.
it suddenly dawned on me. when you and that him aren't a couple yet, the fact that he texts you to ask where are you/what are you doing now every few hours totally makes you feel good and awesome. basically he's just so obsessed with you that he can't stop thinking about you. but when you and that him gets on to be a couple, the bloody fact that he texts you every few hours to ask all these questions freaking piss you off and boils your blood. "Like why the hell are you so posessive?" okay, at least i think that will apply for me.
you see, that's once again, the difference between a guy-friend and a lover.
during the meeting, each and everyone of us talked about our "romance life". none of us are attached at the moment, mind you. that's why we call ourselves the Singles. but there's bound to be some bits and pieces of love scattering around. so yeah. she first talked about it, then she talked about it and she too, talked about it. i was contemplating the whole time. whether i should share "my romance life" with them. i really did consider for some time, but in the end, i still didn't let it come out of my mouth. i don't know how to phrase it. i don't know where do i start talking about it.
it shouldn't be that difficult, should it? i could have just shared: erm yeah.so recently there's this potential guy, whom im really close to. and we have been texting each other everyday for like almost 3 months running. pretty sure he's interested in me and i'm also interested in him. he makes me feel really special. no matter in smses or when we go out together. yes, we have been going out on dates quite frequently, usually for dinners and movies and im comfortable being with him. recently we both confessed that we liked each other. but no strings attached as yet. i was a little reluctant to take the initiative to bring on the relationship to the next level as i don't seem to be ready yet, though i have always said i wanted a man badly.
yeah. that could have just been what i said. i could have just shared all these with them, couldn't i? but why didn't i do it? i can't fathom, once again.
i think im just afraid of disappointments. im too afraid to disappoint them, and too afraid to disappoint myself. you see, if i were to share that with them, and if things doesn't work out in the end, i have to explain to them again the next occasion. but if i didn't share it in the first place, no matter what comes after, i have no obligations to talk about it again.
so i see, i'm always just a loser, when it comes to love. for whatever difficult task/problems that came my way all these years, i've managed to fend them off and make myself feel good about it. but when it comes to matters of the heart, im making all the silly mistakes and all the bad/wrong decisions.
and yeah. i sorta talked to the new him about this topic. about being unready at this age,we're still too young and that relationships forged now wouldnt last and things like that. i phrased it in a way that sounded as if it came from my friend. not from me.
please tell me why i'm not surprise that he ended the conversation soon after. maybe he could feel it. that all the lies about "my friend say...", "my friend thinks..." actually comes from me; not from any pathetic friend whom im using as a shield. i can't believe i actually did something so stupid. so cliche. who wouldn't realise right? this isn't me, totally. i feel so embarassed about myself. haha. but at the same time, hilarious.
you, you and you. yes, im talking about you. im pretty sure you are laughing at my stupidity right now. go ahead then. go ahead and laugh.i have made enough joke out of myself anyway.
sigh. what's next, what's next?
Thursday, April 14, 2011/1:37 AM
that night. i dreamt of gong gong. so long so long since i dreamt of him. yes. so long. and i missed him so much. i still missed his presence so much. even much more after the dream. cos it was so real. cos it was just so possible to happen if he was still around.
we were buying some food stuffs for qing ming i guessed. as we were buying halfway, dad ran over to tell us he needs to go back to his car cos there's a traffic officer trying to issue summons. (apparently he didnt use parking coupons). but while he rushed over, i heard him saying luckily ah gong's in the car. so the officer cannot issue any summon. then we all rushed over to the car and indeed, we all saw ah gong sitting inside. then he got off from the car.
me, my sis and bro shouted to him: gong gong! he didnt respond.
and we shouted again: ah gong! and this time he responded!
it was after i woke up that i realised hey, that was really how gong gong will respond to us, to our greetings to him. he always didnt respond the first time because he was hard of hearing all along. after he responded to us, he asked us if there's anything to eat. awww. my cute and 贪吃 ah gong. he used to be one. and had always been one. to be asking for all kinds of food to satisfy his cravings.
i tried my best to repeat the scene again and again in my mind the whole day. cos im afraid of forgetting. im afraid of losing little little details of the dreams. and thats what we usually do right? to be unable to recall the whole dream but just snapshots of it.
but the more i tried to think of it, the more i couldnt control myself; control my tears. how could the dream be so real. how could it be. it felt like i really did went through it personally at that time, at that place, at that instantaneous moment.
i woke up at 3am, crying. crying so hard so hard because i knew it was just a dream. just a fucking dream. i couldnt stop. and i dont know how did i manage to get into sleep again. and when i woke up again at 8am for lessons, i told my mum and sis about the dream. it started with smiles and laughter. but it ended it tears for me.
gong gong. you know i really missed you? i really missed you so much so much. i think you knew it, thats why you came into my dreams. after so long.
gong gong. how have you been? have you been alright? are you having fun up above in the heavens? are you secretly watching over us; each and everyone of us? gong gong. it's the 3rd year. it's the 3rd year since you left us.
you know, last week during qing ming, we went over to your house. you and popo's house. i saw popo's new house! it's a solid concrete house with solid foundations on the ground-on the ground where the wooden house you once built with your bare hands were. as much as i am happy and excited over the new house, i couldnt help but feel a little sore deep down. i think you know what i mean and you know why, don't you? it felt like taking a part of you away. the house was made by you. it was built by you! how could it be taken away? and i felt even more sore when i read the report about the house. it states there, the house was built by popo and her parents. thats why she couldnt bear to tear it down completely and hence moved it over to another site. i read the report with surprise. and this surprise quickly turned into dissappointment and soreness. wasn't the house built by you? wasn't it built by you from scratch? why am i told i completely different story over here?
gong gong. i know it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter to you which is the truth. cos i know your greatest wish was for popo to own a solid house. a solid apartment. and your wish has came true. you saw it? next year. next year it would be done up. beautifully done up.
and this year qing ming. I sat on your car again. this time round alone, with papa. My initial intention was to drive your car. To sit at the place you had sat for the whole of your life and drive the route you had driven before. And allow myself to tear. To cry throughout the journey. But I didn’t have the chance to. Due to time constraints I would say. But nonetheless, I still cried. I still wept, while I let myself sit in your car. I ran my fingers through the torn and old seat. I touched the worn out seat belt. I felt the different parts of the car with tears welling up. I almost couldn’t control myself and let out my cries.
gonggong. every year this time, i re-call my misses for you. they were brought back so naturally and at the same time, painfully. my misses for you intensifies every year this time. while i feel so lost, helpless and miserable, i dont know who to turn to, who to find solace. not the family for sure. friends? maybe. but much as i wanted to text my friends again, i ended up deleting the typed message. cos im worried that i have become such a nuisance to them. to be bothering them every year this time with my overdued emotions.
gonggong. i think you know. all of us missed you. everyone in the family do missed you. you saw jiaxian's and dawn's blog post dedicated to you? i cried so hard at xian's post. so hard so hard. you must have felt her misses for you too, right? gonggong. go visit her in her dreams bah. i know she will be happy to see you.
gonggong. that time someone vandalised your tomb stone. you must have seen who did it right? you must have seen the fucking culprit who did that. i was so upset when i heard it you know? i was shivering with anger. and i started crying. cos i dont understand why they couldnt just let you rest in peace. i dont know who did it and why they did it. but i hope they get their retribution. i hope they can't sleep in peace everynight.
gonggong. it was after that incident, that i realised i didnt have a single photo with you. i haven taken a single individual photo with you for all those years you had been around. and that breaks my heart. totally. i looked at your photos with the rest of the family and i can't help but feel sore because i hadn't had one with you.
gonggong, sometimes i wonder,why am i left with so much regrets with you. i regretted not doing so much so much things with you. if only you were still around. i wouldnt have been the same childish and ungrateful tingting you know.
gonggong, you saw how much i have grown over the years, haven you? i hate to admit this but it's true, that i had indeed matured alot ever since your demise. it felt as though i was forced to grow up. for your sudden departure have jolted so much sense in me that i miraculously grown overnight. i now treasure the people around me more. so much more. and i live through everyday, making sure i leave myself with no regrets.
gonggong, i know. no matter how long has past, how much time has gone us by, i would still miss you. still miss you the way i am missing you now.
Monday, April 11, 2011/3:17 AM
i just went through one of the scariest moments of my life! i hyperventilated like a mad yesterday. for a holy 1 hour or so? god. i am trying to recall as much as i could what actually did happen then while i slipped in and out of conscious. it went like this. was down with a flu and cough. blocked nose so i couldnt breathe properly. so breathing became haste and fast through the mouth. heavy laboured breathing followed. hyperventilation probably occured now and suddenly my hands got really numb and stiff. cant move the fingers at all. and they are stuck in positions like those who suffered from stroke. numb and stiff for both my hands. tried to control my breathing but i couldnt and i panted even much more heavily. following, my whole face became numb. and my both feets too. started to break out in cold sweats all over the body. i freaking thought i got a stroke. seriously. cos it was very bad. i was in so much pain that i cried. the more i cried, the more my breathing gets erratic. it was really really painful. it lasted for such a long time that it hadn't occur to me that it was actually hyperventilation. i had that before during sec 4, and i remembered it was during mrs lui's geography lessons. that time luckily got baba around. and all was back to normal after she gave me a paper bag to breathe in and out into. i didnt remember it to be this serious so i didnt realise it was hyperventilation again. man. it really freaking scare the shit out of me. though not to the extent to have my whole life flashing/replaying in my mind, i really thought im going to die man. really is so scary leh. the doctor like a nonchalent initially. the moment he saw my fingers, he knew it was hyperventilation. and he just asked me to slow down my breathing. i was too weak to tell him that this lasted for a bloody 1 hour. so if i can slow down my breathing, i would have been able to do so long ago! luckily i manage to use my almost last breathe to tell him that my hands still feel very numb and stiff. then he asked his nurse for a plastic bag. and guided me to breathing in and out in the bag. budden hor, baba mentioned that we shouldnt use plastic bag! should use paper bag wor. so the doctor's trying to kill me man! anw, the cramp for my hands was so bad that even after my hyperventilation stopped and im back home, both my hands still feel so weak. and exerting any force will cause it to shiver. anyway, it was really scary. tai holy mama scary le! recalling all these now still sends creeps down my spine. Awww. good thing mei shen me shi! alright alright. that's all! back to project loh~
Sunday, April 10, 2011/1:18 AM
I'm a nostalgia freak. totally.
always looking at my past entries every now and then.
and i chanced upon the super long post that was dedicated to yizhuang after the trip back from macau last june. like a touched uh! and i can't help but smile to myself! cos the descriptions were really vivid and the feelings were really raw.
once again, im so glad im back to blogging!
Thursday, April 7, 2011/9:02 AM
I can't seem to stop reminding myself this everytime I am on the verge of entering a relationship. I did this the last time when I was thinking about getting together with the ex. And now, I thought about it again while thinking about how things will turn out for me and this new him.
'Friendships are different from relationships. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear.'
I'm just a coward maybe.
Cos I know if I were to get into a relationship now, I'm sure to be putting in so much effort into it. 我会很投入. And I fear the heartbreaks that will follow if it doesn't work out.
I hate to make demands also. I hate to be always expecting something from someone. And I'm pretty sure, In a relationship, this expectation intensifies over time. And when it's not met, disappointment follows.
I'm not too sure what's keeping me. What's keeping me from getting on board to a new romance.
Give me a little more time. And we'll see how it goes alright? No more impulsive decisions this time round.
Monday, April 4, 2011/11:41 PM
We both confessed. And asserted the fact that we liked each other. I can't fathom what could have possessed me to say it out.
But still, I did. I did this again. I hope I have done the sums correctly this time.
What's next for us? What's in place for us from then on? I don't know.
I only know people around me/him are in for a real shock if we were to really get together.
