that night. i dreamt of gong gong. so long so long since i dreamt of him. yes. so long. and i missed him so much. i still missed his presence so much. even much more after the dream. cos it was so real. cos it was just so possible to happen if he was still around.

we were buying some food stuffs for qing ming i guessed. as we were buying halfway, dad ran over to tell us he needs to go back to his car cos there's a traffic officer trying to issue summons. (apparently he didnt use parking coupons). but while he rushed over, i heard him saying luckily ah gong's in the car. so the officer cannot issue any summon. then we all rushed over to the car and indeed, we all saw ah gong sitting inside. then he got off from the car.

me, my sis and bro shouted to him: gong gong! he didnt respond.
and we shouted again: ah gong! and this time he responded!

it was after i woke up that i realised hey, that was really how gong gong will respond to us, to our greetings to him. he always didnt respond the first time because he was hard of hearing all along. after he responded to us, he asked us if there's anything to eat. awww. my cute and 贪吃 ah gong. he used to be one. and had always been one. to be asking for all kinds of food to satisfy his cravings.

i tried my best to repeat the scene again and again in my mind the whole day. cos im afraid of forgetting. im afraid of losing little little details of the dreams. and thats what we usually do right? to be unable to recall the whole dream but just snapshots of it.

but the more i tried to think of it, the more i couldnt control myself; control my tears. how could the dream be so real. how could it be. it felt like i really did went through it personally at that time, at that place, at that instantaneous moment.

i woke up at 3am, crying. crying so hard so hard because i knew it was just a dream. just a fucking dream. i couldnt stop. and i dont know how did i manage to get into sleep again. and when i woke up again at 8am for lessons, i told my mum and sis about the dream. it started with smiles and laughter. but it ended it tears for me.

gong gong. you know i really missed you? i really missed you so much so much. i think you knew it, thats why you came into my dreams. after so long.
gong gong. how have you been? have you been alright? are you having fun up above in the heavens? are you secretly watching over us; each and everyone of us? gong gong. it's the 3rd year. it's the 3rd year since you left us.

you know, last week during qing ming, we went over to your house. you and popo's house. i saw popo's new house! it's a solid concrete house with solid foundations on the ground-on the ground where the wooden house you once built with your bare hands were. as much as i am happy and excited over the new house, i couldnt help but feel a little sore deep down. i think you know what i mean and you know why, don't you? it felt like taking a part of you away. the house was made by you. it was built by you! how could it be taken away? and i felt even more sore when i read the report about the house. it states there, the house was built by popo and her parents. thats why she couldnt bear to tear it down completely and hence moved it over to another site. i read the report with surprise. and this surprise quickly turned into dissappointment and soreness. wasn't the house built by you? wasn't it built by you from scratch? why am i told i completely different story over here?

gong gong. i know it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter to you which is the truth. cos i know your greatest wish was for popo to own a solid house. a solid apartment. and your wish has came true. you saw it? next year. next year it would be done up. beautifully done up.

and this year qing ming. I sat on your car again. this time round alone, with papa. My initial intention was to drive your car. To sit at the place you had sat for the whole of your life and drive the route you had driven before. And allow myself to tear. To cry throughout the journey. But I didn’t have the chance to. Due to time constraints I would say. But nonetheless, I still cried. I still wept, while I let myself sit in your car. I ran my fingers through the torn and old seat. I touched the worn out seat belt. I felt the different parts of the car with tears welling up. I almost couldn’t control myself and let out my cries.

gonggong. every year this time, i re-call my misses for you. they were brought back so naturally and at the same time, painfully. my misses for you intensifies every year this time. while i feel so lost, helpless and miserable, i dont know who to turn to, who to find solace. not the family for sure. friends? maybe. but much as i wanted to text my friends again, i ended up deleting the typed message. cos im worried that i have become such a nuisance to them. to be bothering them every year this time with my overdued emotions.

gonggong. i think you know. all of us missed you. everyone in the family do missed you. you saw jiaxian's and dawn's blog post dedicated to you? i cried so hard at xian's post. so hard so hard. you must have felt her misses for you too, right? gonggong. go visit her in her dreams bah. i know she will be happy to see you.

gonggong. that time someone vandalised your tomb stone. you must have seen who did it right? you must have seen the fucking culprit who did that. i was so upset when i heard it you know? i was shivering with anger. and i started crying. cos i dont understand why they couldnt just let you rest in peace. i dont know who did it and why they did it. but i hope they get their retribution. i hope they can't sleep in peace everynight.

gonggong. it was after that incident, that i realised i didnt have a single photo with you. i haven taken a single individual photo with you for all those years you had been around. and that breaks my heart. totally. i looked at your photos with the rest of the family and i can't help but feel sore because i hadn't had one with you.

gonggong, sometimes i wonder,why am i left with so much regrets with you. i regretted not doing so much so much things with you. if only you were still around. i wouldnt have been the same childish and ungrateful tingting you know.

gonggong, you saw how much i have grown over the years, haven you? i hate to admit this but it's true, that i had indeed matured alot ever since your demise. it felt as though i was forced to grow up. for your sudden departure have jolted so much sense in me that i miraculously grown overnight. i now treasure the people around me more. so much more. and i live through everyday, making sure i leave myself with no regrets.

gonggong, i know. no matter how long has past, how much time has gone us by, i would still miss you. still miss you the way i am missing you now.