you know, that night. That very night. i totally felt so good being the single me. i think it's because im hanging out with all these awesome single friends i have. being with them make me feel so good being single.
i feel so free. so carefree.
i dont need to wait for his sms. i dont have to keep anticipating for his texts. i dont have to keep checking my phone for any updates.
im just a very carefree me. that i totally enjoyed and indulged in.

life's good like this!

I quietly thought to myself, maybe I don't really need someone that much afterall. And at that moment, I actually wished he hadn't enter my life. I'm talking about that new him. If only if he hadn't knock on my doors now.

I know. If this is really what I'm feeling right now, I could have just rejected him. I could have just stood firm on my stand and not develop this relationship further. But I'm scared too. I will be scared too. That if I were to give it up this time round, I wouldn't get a second chance. Fate don't happen for the second time on those people who don't treasure chances.

I admit. Honestly admit that I'm just someone who considers so many things and factor before I enter a relationship. That's what baba once told me. I know I shouldn't. I mean it's good to think through but not too much please. I'm obviously thinking too much here.

as i took bus 172 with a friend home after the meet up, we realised something similar between us. that we were both yearning and looking for love to happen on us. but at the same time, we are not courageous enough and are afraid to really let it happen. that's a very contradicting feeling that's bothering the both of us.

and we came to a conclusion that we are too independent. we had been too independent all these while and are not able to cope with the addition of another person in our life, jeapardising all the balances we have established for ourselves.
we hate the reports that we have to make-like where i am now, who i am with now, what am i doing now. we hate the typical manual for the behavior of typical couples-like women have to be reliant and frail and men have to be decisive and posessive. essentially,we have too much of our own principles and self-coined terms(that's what he always says about me)that don't make us good girlfriends.

we were discussing why i don't get a boyfriend yet/why i'm not attached yet. and one of my guy friend mentioned that i'm "too original". that's the phrase he used to describe me. and he continued to say that usually men don't like women to be too original. Too original? i think i'll need a while to really understand that.

i'm a person who is really cool being alone at times. at alot of times actually. in fact, i prefer times of solitude so much. maybe i have grew accustomed to be alone all these while. it's just time when i feel really down, i wished for someone's presence. to be the listening ear, to provide a hug, to give comfort. but other than that, i prefer to be left alone.

it suddenly dawned on me. when you and that him aren't a couple yet, the fact that he texts you to ask where are you/what are you doing now every few hours totally makes you feel good and awesome. basically he's just so obsessed with you that he can't stop thinking about you. but when you and that him gets on to be a couple, the bloody fact that he texts you every few hours to ask all these questions freaking piss you off and boils your blood. "Like why the hell are you so posessive?" okay, at least i think that will apply for me.

you see, that's once again, the difference between a guy-friend and a lover.

during the meeting, each and everyone of us talked about our "romance life". none of us are attached at the moment, mind you. that's why we call ourselves the Singles. but there's bound to be some bits and pieces of love scattering around. so yeah. she first talked about it, then she talked about it and she too, talked about it. i was contemplating the whole time. whether i should share "my romance life" with them. i really did consider for some time, but in the end, i still didn't let it come out of my mouth. i don't know how to phrase it. i don't know where do i start talking about it.

it shouldn't be that difficult, should it? i could have just shared: erm yeah.so recently there's this potential guy, whom im really close to. and we have been texting each other everyday for like almost 3 months running. pretty sure he's interested in me and i'm also interested in him. he makes me feel really special. no matter in smses or when we go out together. yes, we have been going out on dates quite frequently, usually for dinners and movies and im comfortable being with him. recently we both confessed that we liked each other. but no strings attached as yet. i was a little reluctant to take the initiative to bring on the relationship to the next level as i don't seem to be ready yet, though i have always said i wanted a man badly.

yeah. that could have just been what i said. i could have just shared all these with them, couldn't i? but why didn't i do it? i can't fathom, once again.

i think im just afraid of disappointments. im too afraid to disappoint them, and too afraid to disappoint myself. you see, if i were to share that with them, and if things doesn't work out in the end, i have to explain to them again the next occasion. but if i didn't share it in the first place, no matter what comes after, i have no obligations to talk about it again.
so i see, i'm always just a loser, when it comes to love. for whatever difficult task/problems that came my way all these years, i've managed to fend them off and make myself feel good about it. but when it comes to matters of the heart, im making all the silly mistakes and all the bad/wrong decisions.

and yeah. i sorta talked to the new him about this topic. about being unready at this age,we're still too young and that relationships forged now wouldnt last and things like that. i phrased it in a way that sounded as if it came from my friend. not from me.

please tell me why i'm not surprise that he ended the conversation soon after. maybe he could feel it. that all the lies about "my friend say...", "my friend thinks..." actually comes from me; not from any pathetic friend whom im using as a shield. i can't believe i actually did something so stupid. so cliche. who wouldn't realise right? this isn't me, totally. i feel so embarassed about myself. haha. but at the same time, hilarious.
you, you and you. yes, im talking about you. im pretty sure you are laughing at my stupidity right now. go ahead then. go ahead and laugh.i have made enough joke out of myself anyway.

sigh. what's next, what's next?