i'm still thinking of how to start this whole post. i dont know why but sleeping now has became so much of a chore. i'm just so tired. but i just can't get to sleep. and i wanted to continue sleeping after i woke up but i can't seem to get back. i... i am just so sad. i don't even know whether sad is the right word to describe. but i don't know what other words i can use, to describe what i'm feeling right now.

we met up two days ago. it was so awkward. for the whole day that we were together, our conversation added up to be less than 20 sentences. can you imagine this? i have never ever been so awkward with him before. not even when we were just friends/acquaintance back then. i have never felt so awkward going out with someone.

finally we decided to talk. after the whole day of silence, we decided its time we talk.
and yes, he said he's not ready for a relationship yet.
he is not ready.

he quoted many reasons.
he said he still can't get over the past relationship. not refering to the person but the relationship itself. he felt that while he is still trying to forget the past relationship, at the same time he's nurturing a new one. it's unfair to me because in this way, he can't give me 100% of his heart.

he said he don't know how long it will take for him to get over that relationship. maybe 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year. or even 10 years. and he don't want to waste my time waiting for him. it's like me, standing outside his heart, waiting to walk into it. but he don't know how long i have to wait.

he said he can't forget the good and happy times that he and the girl had together before. and he can't forget how the girl treated him during the last phase of their relationship. he can't forget how much the girl had hurt him.

he said he is a very possessive person. he used to be so possessive of the girl in the past. that everytime he sees pictures of her with her guy friends, he got so jealous. everytime her weekends are taken up by other activities and she can't spend time together with him, he got so annoyed. he don't allow her to be close to any of her guy friends because he felt that she belongs to him. but. he said he don't feel the same towards me. he's okay with all those things that once bothered him so much. and he asks himself why the difference. and he is afraid to admit that maybe it's because he don't love me more than her.

he said he wanted very much to allow our relationship to blossom, to develop smoothly. but he can't. he just can't.

i'm so sad. i'm just so sad that things have to turn out this way. why. why didn't he said all these to me earlier. maybe 2 months, or even just a month earlier. then i would have gladly let him go and maybe we can still stay as friends like how we used to be.
why. when i have let down my guard. when i already opened up my heart. when i dropped my defences. when i already walked towards him. then he said all these beautifully crafted reasons. 会不会迟了一点？

if he had been so unable to let go of the past relationship, why in the first place did he come over to mess with my life? i mean 如果真的那么放不下，怎么还会对别的人动心？
but "i can't expect everyone to be as sensible as i am. and i can't put my standard on everyone else." if they aren't, they aren't. i'm supposed to just blame it on my luck that i met him.

although every part, every inch of me is hurting, i can't seem to hate this person. because the sensible me tells me that i need to thank him for being so honest to me. for being so honest about his feelings and for telling me all these now so we/i don't sink in further. though i know i have already done so.

sometimes it takes more courage to give up, than to go on with something for the sake of it all.
i mean he could have said yes, he really liked me alot and we can proceed on to be couples. and maybe we can work together to allow him to forget his past relationship and everything. but that will be unfair to me.
and the sensible me tells me that i really have to thank him for being truthful. for saying every single reason why we can't/wouldn't work out.
because now, "i only need to put in effort to accept this fact. instead of pondering why. ponder why did he decide to walk away from me. and this will save me some time. from moving out of this heartbreak."

but still, in love, people gets less sensible. and that's exactly what im feeling right now. that the only emotion i could feel now is sad. sad that everything has to turn out this way. sad that after all those that i have went through, the ending is still this.
心都碎了一地，要我怎么捡？

i really kept him out for such a long time. but i gave in. i thought it's time i reciprocate his love. i thought it's time i start loving someone again. i thought if i were to not fall in love,not accept him just because i'm scared, fate wouldn't knock on my doors again and i don't deserve someone good ever again.
if only i have held my defences up longer. if only i have not opened up. if only i have hanged in there. i wouldnt be in this state that i'm in right now.
but. it's no fault of mine.
“没有什么应不应该。跟着我的心走是对的。”

From the point when im filled with so much uncertainties and fears until, when nothing bothers me anymore. I can't believe I fell in love again.
i have never mentioned before. that we were really just a step away from couples. that we were already holding hands. that it's just the status of it all. that's why the hurt i'm feeling right now.
i've never liked some one so much before. not even when i were together with junyang then. maybe because we were still young. so we don't understand what's really happening then. I really thought we will work out. I really thought so. Especially when I began to love him with all my heart.
maybe im really just not worthy enough for him. worthy enough for him to let go of his past and move on. But I'm just so sad. That he has left me with so much fond memories. That it really strains to recall them now. i guess this is the worst part of a separation. that it just hurts so much to do the things we have done before, to walk the path we have taken before, to go through the feelings that we have went through before;
Alone. Now.

finally i understood how hurtful it had been for junyang then. finally i understood how it really felt to be the person left behind. what the new him has done to me now, is exactly what i have done to jy then. that essentially, i made the decision, and i just informed him of my decision. i didnt give him a chance to sit down,talk with me on how we can stay together to make things work. at that very moment in time, i thought it was the best decision for us.
i hope. i really hope this new him will go through the same thing that i have went through. to regret for the decision that he has made now. that he has missed someone he shouldnt have missed.
but deep down i know, it wouldnt happen. cos guys are just. different. it's a pity i dont become a fortune teller. cos whatever i have said about this relationship in the past, it's coming true right now "Cos I'm sure, I will be the one feeling the hurt at the very end. Cos by then I would have fallen for him, I would have been too dependent on his care and concern, that suddenly, I can't do without them. And while I can't do without him, It just gonna be easy for him. He'll move on from where we are at, to the next someone. And I will once again wallow in this whole cycle of heartbreaks again."
i couldnt have been more accurate. i couldnt have.

当我为了你卸下了我的防备，放进了真感情，你才告诉我说你需要重新考虑你是不是真的爱我。
this is pangseh. ultimate pangseh.

i told him, it'll take some time before i can treat him as a friend again. but in fact, i don't even wanted to be friends with him again. ever again. i just wanted him to leave me alone. and i don't want to have anything to do with him again. maybe with this, then can i walk out of this heartbreak. soon.

i wanted so much to cry infront of him when he said all those things to me. i wanted so much to cry. i wanted him to feel bad. i wanted to make him feel bad. i wanted to let him know that he really hurt me so much. but i can't. 我挤不出一滴泪. maybe.
"i still wanted to save the last bit of my dignity for myself."

but the moment i entered the lift, i broke down. i broke down crying and i got out of the lift before i reach home. and i went down and got myself a seat somewhere. and i just cried and cried. how could it have hurt so much?
“这世上没有人值得你流泪，真正值得流泪的人一定不愿意看到你哭。”

he texted over to say that he's really sorry. i looked at the message. cried as i say to myself, "if saying sorry can make me love you less, can make me feel better, i don't mind saying sorry to you too. i don't mind saying sorry a hundred times, a thousand times." and i deleted his message.

i said i will accept whatever decision that he is going to make. whether its to move on, or to stop progressing. and im really not guilty of telling him this, but deep down im not following it. i really, genuinely respected his decisions. maybe that's why i didnt cry infront of him?

i have told him everything that i wanted to tell him. that i needed to tell him. initially i was reluctant to say. because he started off and he has already made his stand so clear. so clear that i thought there's nothing else i should say or can do. but still, i decided to tell him. to tell him that i really liked him alot. that i really opened up my closed heart to him. that i really am sad that things have to turn out this way. and everything else i have said here. i don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. that's why i decided to tell him everything i have to say. at the very least, there's nothing left for me to hang on to. there's no words left unsaid.

and i told him, that at least, this time round, it wasn't me who screwed up the relationship again. i've never given up something that i shouldn't.
我没有再错过一个我不该错过的人。

it's like 是他的问题，但却要我替他承担。i have to bear the consequences of his messed up feelings, messed up past relationship. it's unfair to me, isn't it?
he let me go at the point, when i loved him most. I am just sad.
just sad.

it's going to take me some time. some time before i can move on from this broken relationship again. i don't know how long this time round. but i hope not too long. i know this is just a small portion of my life. love is just a very small portion. for there's much more to life than this. but it's just the 2nd day since.
“真的爱过，才会心痛”.

the next time you see me, give me a hug, will you?